


I Dont See Paradise

by SeoMad (Allganne)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Accidents, Angst, Anxiety, Concerts, Cuddling, Dad Johnny, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, OT3, Polyamory, Soft Boys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-08-07 10:33:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16406777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allganne/pseuds/SeoMad
Summary: The Dream Concert had been a problem even during rehearsal but nothing prepares any of the boys for the accident that follows.With almost half the team out of commission there's nothing for Johnny to do but fret about Taeyong in the hospital and Ten in his bedroom and that he might just have to do something about the three of them after all.





	1. It Was Raining

**Author's Note:**

> I am a Worrier and everyone slipping at the Dream Concert made me start this months ago and Taeyong falling at the Up Next show in LA made me pick it up again.  
> I hope you enjoy :)

 

It happens in an instant.

They’ve been careful since they arrived. Since rehearsal, when they piled into the stadium and it was already raining. It’s worse now, coming down so hard it had been almost impossible to see the crowd during their last performance. It’s the absolute last place Johnny has ever wanted to perform this wretched routine.

They’ve changed the choreography. Yuta’s jumps are out, and everyone is warned about the leaps during Taeyong and Mark’s verse swap. Even his and Donghyuck’s spins are halved and Taeyong is still upset with that. One of the managers and a stylist has even spent half an hour checking the bottoms of everyone’s shoes one by one for wear on the soles, like when Mark had kept falling over at A-Nation last year. But it’s still not enough for some of them. Jeno spends half of the Dreamie’s set slipping all over the stage and Jisung goes down badly before it’s even dark. Doyoung falls during _Touch_ and Winwin during _Boss_ and Taeyong looks more worried the longer the night goes on.

 Not even Ten or Doyoung can calm him down.

He warns most of them, the Dreamies in particular, and lurks around their weaker dancers like the mother hen he is, Doyoung not far behind making sure everyone is actually listening.

Even Yuta and Ten get warned more than once.

But even warnings mean little when it comes to the tower.

They don’t have an alternative, not even management foresaw the need to ever have one. It’s not as dangerous as it looks, otherwise it wouldn’t have been deemed safe enough to be accepted into the routine in the first place. But even warming up backstage they can’t come up with anything to make it simpler or safer in the rain; they don’t have the _time,_ and so it gets the go ahead.

“Be safe!” Taeyong calls out as they gather in the wings, the screens flashing with their faces as the intro blares out into the crowd and their roaring grows louder still.

Johnny can’t help the familiar little flare of excitement as they spread out onto the stage.

 _Black on Black_ is always the same. It’s exciting, it’s _impressive._

It’s dangerous on a wet stage.

Despite everyone’s wariness they still slip.

Mark nearly goes down during his and Taeyong’s swap. Hell, Johnny slips himself, nearly landing on his ass. Its trivial, though; it would be funny in any other situation.

The others aren’t funny. Jeno slips, tumbling head over heels and slipping again as he stands up, and it’s so violent out of the corner of their eye that Taeyong goes out of his way to check on him at the back of the stage. Then Jisung slips _hard_ , nearly braining himself on the stage and when Johnny glances at Ten he knows he wants this to be over just as quickly as everyone else.

 _“Be careful_!” Doyoung calls a moment later as they all take their places for the tower.

They’re fine going up. He feels Taeyong settle and everything feels good.

And then a second later it’s far, far too wrong.

*

Even hours later Johnny can still hear the screaming from the crowd echoing in his ears. It’s a very different sound to the joy he’s used to. Hearing the scream of terror as they all went down.

He doesn’t remember much from that moment. It all comes back as the weight of everyone after they’d fallen. Jaeyhun trying to pull himself up off Johnny and the squirming of the others further into the pile.

But Johnny’s had an eternity to think about it.

He keeps focusing on the memory of Taeyong’s shoes dragging down his back. He’s not sure if the memory is real, but there’s a red line of half-torn skin there to ensure it did happen.

It doesn’t hurt, he wouldn’t even know it was there if the nurse hadn’t checked for him.

But it’s all he has to focus on. The waiting room they’ve been given is barren; pale pastel walls and the same posters warning for signs of diabetes and cancer check-ups on every wall.

No one is speaking, it’s just a handful of them that refused to be taken back to the dorm.

Doyoung. Jaehyun. Yuta. Ten.

And him.

Doyoung has been on his phone constantly. Fidgeting and making small noises of discontent at whatever he’s found. Jaehyun has been slumped in the same position for a while. Ten disappeared a while ago while Jisung was still being checked and hasn’t been back since. Yuta is stretched out over a couple of seats, resting, after his own check-up with a broken wrist wrapped in plaster.

Yuta’s lucky, Johnny knows. He’d barely escaped something similar to Taeyong, or worse, being crushed under the weight of a dozen boys. He’d fallen badly, slipping over when he’d tried to dart out of the way in a panic, still focused on trying to jump down off Kun and Jungwoo.  

Before Johnny can think any more, Doyoung speaks up, breaking the quiet in the waiting room like an avalanche.

“Everyone made it back to the dorm okay. They’re all fine.”

Jaehyun nods, still quiet and Yuta makes a noise low in his throat in acknowledgement.

Johnny can’t find his words because _everyone_ isn’t fine. And _nobody_ is actually okay.

At best most of them went back to the dorms with bruises, the others had wound up at the hospital to be checked out. Yuta really should have been taken home along with the others who needed a checkover, but without news about Taeyong nobody really wants to rest.

Sicheng only left at Taeil’s urging and a quiet, manipulative mention of Renjun and Chenle’s names. Going by the soft vibration of Doyoung’s phone every few minutes, Johnny wouldn’t be surprised to find him in a dozen different conversations with everyone back at the dorm.

Johnny doesn’t even want to think about checking his own phone. 

There’s a beat where none of them talk that seems to stretch long and hard until Doyoung breaks it again.

“There’s video online.”

That’s enough to make Yuta sit up too fast, if his pained grunt means anything.

“ _Really?!”_ It’s half disbelief half anger.

“The news would have gone out immediately. Everyone would know. Would want to see it,” Doyoung says, but sounding bitter all the same.

“It doesn’t mean they should,” Jaehyun says, finally breaking his quiet. 

Johnny can’t make himself say anything. He knows the words he wants to say, but he just _can’t._

Luckily Ten saves him the trouble.

He’s looking as unhappy as the rest of them do as he stands in the doorway, but he seems to have followed Doyoung’s need to keep busy. Something Johnny wishes he could feel too.

It would be better than what he has. Emptiness. Guilt.

“You can’t see much,” Ten says, balancing a tray filled with cups.

Doyoung looks up quickly, as if Ten was answering a question he hadn’t even asked himself yet.

“You watched it?” Yuta sounds accusatory. He wants to fight against something, Johnny knows.

They’re all helpless right now. Waiting for news.

“The wall was a good idea,” Ten says instead, looking at Doyoung. Doyoung looks away, embarrassed. But Ten’s right. It was a good idea, Johnny just hasn’t been able to remember whose idea it was.

Of course it was Doyoung.

“How?” Jaehyun asks, voice cracking.

Ten doesn’t answer, instead crossing the room to hand out the cups. It’s warm in Johnny’s hand when Ten presses it towards him, lingering with sad eyes. Johnny can smell coffee, but he can’t bring himself to drink anything.

He’s not sure if his stomach can handle it.

“It was raining,” is all Ten says in the intervening quiet.

No one has the guts to ask again.

*

There’s an alarmed yell from somewhere beside him and then Johnny’s jolted, _hard_ , Jaeyhun slamming into him as they all seem to topple.

He feels Taeyong slip, hears his shout.

His feet drag down Johnny’s spine as he falls, and then there’s a sickening _thud_ as Taeyong hits the stage.

The air locks in Johnny’s lungs as he pushes up against whoever he’s fallen on, shoving Jaeyhun way too hard as he scrambles backwards.

“Taeyong!” Doyoung is shouting before Johnny can clear himself enough to turn around. When he does, all he wants to do is start shaking, because Taeyong seems to be hanging loose limbed in Ten’s terrified grip as he and Taeil help Taeyong sit up. But it doesn’t last, and Johnny is shouting when they get him upright and Taeyong’s eyes roll back in his head.  

“Make a wall! Make a wall!” someone yells, and in an instant the others are lining up, shoulder to shoulder to hide from the camera’s as a dozen people from the wings descend on them.

*

Their manager comes back in a while later. He has a line between his eyebrows from frowning too hard, and his voice is quiet when he tells them that Taeyong’s sister and his parents are with him. He says Taeyong will be okay, but they can all see the haunted look in his eyes, the worried downturn of his lips.

It doesn’t feel like a real answer, it feels like something Manager Hyunjoon doesn’t believe.

He doesn’t ask them to leave, to go back to the dorms with the others. He knows them better than that after all.

They all wait around, each of them in their own little bubble of anxiety. Doyoung on his phone, Jaehyun in his seat, Yuta glaring up at the ceiling, and Ten trying not to vibrate, taking turns to either tap his foot nervously or take long drags from his coffee cup.

The only one to touch the drinks he bought.

Johnny doesn’t know how much time has passed since they’ve been there. Since they all _fell._ It’s seemed to stretch like taffy, and he has no idea if they pass hours like that or days.

He doesn’t even know what day it _is_ when Taeyong’s sister eventually pokes her head around the door. There is a worried frown on her face that seems to brighten into a tired smile when she recognises them, and quickly slips into their waiting room and closes the door behind her.

Manager Hyunjoon meets her at the door, the two of them murmuring quietly between themselves while everyone else looks on.

The others have perked up, Yuta sitting upright, only a moment away from climbing to his feet. Everyone has discarded their drinks, even Ten, in place of looking at the two older adults eagerly.

Sunhi breaks away from Manager Hyunjoon and greets them before she walks straight over to Johnny and easily pulls him down into a hug.

She holds him tight, and in that moment, he feels like if she lets go he might break apart and disappear completely. He doesn’t feel real; _nothing_ feels real.

She kisses his forehead, like a mother, he remembers and tries not to blush and embarrass himself anymore when she lets go and heads towards the others to do the same.

She’s so small, smaller than even Taeyong, short and pretty, but she seems stronger than a mountain right then.

Johnny still wants to crumble.

“Come, you can see him,” she says, letting Yuta out of her arms and the relief is immediate.

They shuffle down the corridor behind her, a group of scared boys behind a lioness. She stops a few feet away from a door and lingers for a moment, eyeing them as they group together like lost puppies. There’s a sad smile on her face.

She disappears into the room for a moment, still holding the door half open. He can hear muffled talking before she reappears.

“Come,” she says opening the door a little wider.

Doyoung and Yuta move forward immediately, Jaehyun loiters a moment, steeling himself before he follows them.

Ten takes Johnny’s hand first.

“Come on,” he says, kindly.

The room is far too full, he thinks, with so many of them.

Taeyong’s mother is sitting in a chair by his bed, his father standing behind her, hands on her shoulders. His sister is lurking in the corner making room for Doyoung and Jaehyun at the other side of Taeyong’s bed while Yuta has been given the second chair.

Taeyong is lying half curled, twisted a little to look at his friends but Johnny can see he was facing his parents up until they arrived, holding his mother’s hand. He looks pale and hurting. Eyes drooping every few moments, but he tries to smile at the others.

When Ten says hello Taeyong drowsily looks their way and his expression brightens. All of a sudden Johnny feels fixed to his spot, like a deer in headlights.

It hurts to look at him, but Taeyong smiles happily.

He waves for them to come closer but all it does is make Johnny want to run away.

Ten doesn’t let him. He grips Johnny’s hand even tighter and pulls him over to the bed, sitting down carefully at Taeyong’s feet.

“You’re okay though?” Doyoung asks, sounding like he’s asked it before and Johnny takes a moment to try and focus a little more.

Taeyong makes a kitten sound and drags his gaze away from Johnny again. He feels a little bereft without it.

“Mmmm, dizzy. Tired.”

“He’s on pain meds,” his sister says, and it makes a lot more sense now. His dopey expression and uncoordinated limbs.

Doyoung laughs, surprising even himself by the look on his face. But it’s enough to get Taeyong to whine and giggle and that seems to break the ice. Everyone seems to relax all at once, the tension seeping out of Jaehyun’s shoulders, and Doyoung finally lets go of his phone.

Ten squeezes Johnny’s hand again and he can’t help but look at him. Ten’s wearing a fond expression as he stares over at Taeyong, something familiar and intimate that makes Johnny’s stomach churn.

Luckily Yuta distracts everyone by leaning over to flip at Taeyong’s hair asking whether or not they had to shave half of it off.

Taeyong whines and tries to pull away, eventually turning towards his mother for help.

The relieved smile on his Mother’s face is enough to chase away part of Johnny’s worry, and maybe that’s all he’s capable of right now.

They don’t stay much longer than that.

It’s late, and Taeyong is clearly tired, flopping his limbs about like he doesn’t have the energy to lift them.

But he makes sure to say goodbye to each of them, whining when they try to slink away. It’s a relief, watching Yuta tease Taeyong.

But Johnny doesn’t really know what to do with his limbs, feeling too large and awkward when it’s his turn.

Taeyong reaches out to hug him, and it’s only when he’s in Johnny’s arms that the terror trapped inside him, since the moment Johnny felt him fall, finally lets go.

Taeyong hugs him tight, but Johnny holds on tighter. He doesn’t know who is comforting who right then, but Taeyong’s expression is soft when he pulls away.

“Sleep well, Yongie. I love you,” he says, leaning back to press a kiss against Taeyong’s forehead.

He’s wearing an adorable, if somewhat forlorn, look on his face when Johnny stands back up.

But no one says anything against his little slip.

He bows in farewell to Taeyong’s parents and follows the others back outside where Manager Hyunjoon is waiting.

He looks relieved too.

“Time to go home, boys,” he says.

They don’t fight him this time.

*

No one expects the dorm to be empty when they get back. But it’s later than any of them really thought, and while there’s normally someone awake well into the night, it’s been a long and exhausting day and Johnny isn't expecting much. 

Everyone seems to have taken up the 127 dorm as home base while they were waiting. Most of the kids are asleep, lumped on the couches in a puddle of blankets with their hair poking out as the rest of them file past, heading into the kitchen.

Taeil is awake, as is Kun and Xuxi.

It’s an odd group, when they stumble in. They all look a little wan and worn out, especially Kun with stitches in his chin.

Even Xuxi is quiet, one of the very few to really escape the shit show that was the Tower.

“How is he?” Taeil asks as Jaehyun slumps into a chair and Yuta limps towards the fridge to pull out a bottle of water for himself before heading over to the kettle. He starts to pull out mugs for everyone one handed until Kun tuts and goes over to help him.

“Okay. Awake, at least.”

“Hyunjoon-Hyung said we’ll know more in the morning,” Doyoung says, leaning against the counter.

“How are the others?” Jaehyun asks.

“Okay. Worried.”

“Is Jisung okay?” Doyoung asks and Taeil nods.

“Sore, but alright. Mostly worried about Taeyong.”

“Winwinnie?” Yuta pipes up from where he’s watching Kun fill half a dozen mugs with hot water.

“I think he’s the only one who actually went to bed,” Kun says.  

“Everyone else is on the couch,” Xuxi says with a half-smile. It is quite an achievement.

There’s quiet for a moment before Ten breaks it, looking straight at Taeil.

“How’s Mark?”

The others look to Ten sharply, as if he has broken an unspoken rule.

Taeil just shakes his head.

Thankfully Jeno fumbles into the kitchen before anyone can say anything.

He’s sleep-mussed, eyes puffy.

“How’s Taeyong-hyung?” he asks immediately.

“Okay,” Jaehyun replies.

“Drugged,” says Yuta, he and Kun finally depositing cups in the middle of the table in reaching distance for anyone who wants them. Yuta ignores Kun offering him his seat in favour of perching on Xuxi’s lap.

Xuxi smiles and immediately latches onto Yuta, and Jeno snorts, both boys’ expressions pale by their usual standards but Johnny will take what he can get. He gets the feeling everyone will.

Jeno wanders over to Doyoung, who pulls him into a hug quickly and happily.

“Any word from the Managers about what’s going to happen?”

“No, Manager Ari keeps popping in and out to make sure everyone’s okay but that’s all. I guess we’ll find out tomorrow,” Kun says, toying with his mug.

“Hyungs?” Chenle asks from the doorway, making half of them jump in surprise.

“C’mere, Lele,” Ten says and Chenle wanders straight to him.

“Is Taeyong-hyung okay?” he asks, doe-eyed, but he’s curled up on himself anxiously. Jaehyun nods, reaching out to pet him.

“He’s okay, he should be out tomorrow.”

Doyoung glares.

“We don’t know that.”

“Jungwoo was only there for a little while when he was ill. Yong will be out soon.”

Johnny wants to believe him.

There’s a lot of things Johnny wants right then. Most of all for the Dream Concert to never have happened.

Instead they have this.

Thankfully no one seems to want to talk about what happened. They lull into silence without fuss now that Jeno and Chenle’s questions have been answered. Johnny still can’t stomach the idea of drinking anything and only uses the tea to warm his hands. Kun and Taeil drink a cup each slowly and by the time they’re done Chenle is almost falling asleep again where he’s half lying on the table, arms crossed, still perched on Ten’s lap.

Doyoung looks in a similar situation from where he’s resting his head on Jeno’s shoulder, and surprisingly, it’s Jeno who perks up and suggests they head to bed before any of the older ones can stomach the idea of doing anything.

Taeil has to scold Yuta softly when he lingers too long, almost herding him into their shared room, with Yuta limping the whole way. But he goes.

Thankfully it’s still dark when Johnny follows. Jeno goes with Doyoung instead of going back to a couch filled with half a dozen other boys. Hyuck is curled up around Mark in the second bed and so Chenle follows Jaehyun and lets himself get tucked into Hyuck's empty bed.

Kun and Xuxi decide to go back to their dorm, promising to be back the next morning.

Leaving Ten behind, who thankfully follows Johnny into his and Taeyong’s room.

Ten doesn’t say anything, doing what he’d done at the hospital where he seems to be able to read Johnny without question. It makes something flutter in Johnny’s stomach he’s familiar with; a feeling Ten has always been able to create whenever he wanted to; something they both stopped almost a year ago. They’d _both_ decided it needed to stop.

And it had been awkward but okay. And then without even trying, there had been Taeyong. There _is_ Taeyong and everything is different and terrifying again.

And Johnny still doesn’t know what to do.

Ten doesn’t climb into Taeyong’s bed, like Johnny expects, even though Taeyong wouldn’t fuss about it at all.

And surprisingly, Johnny wouldn’t have either.

Not when the three of them have been doing this _thing_ for this long. He doesn’t like calling it a dance because it doesn’t feel right, not when dancing is something they’re so good at.

Instead Ten guides Johnny down and helps him undress. He’s quiet but he’s still confident and that’s the part that makes Johnny feel unsettled, because Ten is _so much_ in so many ways. So loud in all the things that make him wonderful except his compassion, his love.

In those he is gentle and quiet and so nervous.

But Ten moves like he knows what he’s doing, like he knows what Johnny needs when the only thing Johnny can think of is Taeyong falling.

Ten shuffles out of his jeans before he turns out the light, and Johnny watches as Ten comes back to him, padding across the room to curl up in the curve of Johnny’s body.

It’s been too long since they’ve been like this. Since the two of them stumbled when they thought they were all clear ahead.

Johnny didn’t think he’d ever get this again. This Ten, not when he’d lost it.

It had been awkward for so long.

And then Taeyong had made it better and worse, all at once.

Johnny lets out a long breath and closes his eyes, pressing his face into the crook of Ten’s neck. Ten reaches back to brush his hands through Johnny’s hair.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he says.

Johnny wishes he believed him.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny retreats into his room and into himself while everyone tries to come to terms with the accident and what it means for each other and 127's upcoming Japanese Debut.

 

Morning comes painfully quickly.

It feels like Johnny has only just closed his eyes when the noise from downstairs wakes him up.

He feels still unsettled, and annoyed; especially waking alone.

But for the first time since before the concert the smell of food makes his stomach growl instead of churn.

He feels tired and sore when he finally drags himself out, but also _hungry_ which is the only thing worth paying attention to after the night before.

Yuta is awake, Johnny notes as he lingers on the stairs scratching his stomach, which is unsurprising but also a little irritating considering the time they dragged themselves to bed. Yuta has wedged himself together with Sicheng on one couch seat with their legs up in front of them on an ottoman, wrapped in hot packs while Sicheng draws on Yuta’s cast. The other couch is still full of the kids, with Renjun, Jeno, Jisung and Chenle all on their phones and muttering quietly between the buzzing. 

They all give him a small wave in greeting as he wanders past in the kitchen, following his nose.

Kun and Jaemin are at the stove frying whatever had first drawn Johnny out of bed and his stomach rumbles at the smell of it up close. Jungwoo is pottering around behind them drying the used bowls and cutlery and despite being a terrible cook, he seems to be keeping busy and being useful.

Xuxi on the other hand is sitting at the table making large movements with his arms and stuffing his mouth full of something. Ten watching him in wry amusement.

Ten notices Johnny first and shoots him a soft look that makes Johnny feel a little unsure.

“Morning,” Johnny offers quietly as he slumps down into an empty seat at the table. Kun is quick to set a bowl down in front of him and he digs in, almost mechanically, but it helps him feel a little more grounded. Kun’s cooking is always good and he thanks him as Kun bustles around the kitchen seemingly unable to keep still.

“Any news?” he asks, mostly because he has no idea what time it is and how long he’s been asleep.

“No,” Ten murmurs, leaning over to rest his chin on Johnny’s shoulder and poke at the bowl of rice, sausage and kimchi idly. Johnny pushes it towards Ten in offering but all he does is steal a large piece of sausage off the top and stay as he was.

“What time is it?” he asks around a mouthful of food. Xuxi giggles as Xuxi is wont to do. It doesn’t feel quite like the right time for Xuxi’s exorbitant personality, but his childish charisma isn’t grating like Johnny thought it would be.

It’s almost comforting.

“Nine thirty,” Kun answers before anyone else. Ten grunts and Johnny reaches up to ruffle his hair on autopilot. He freezes for a moment once he realises what he’s doing and Ten similarly goes still, but Johnny relaxes and continues the motion and Ten doesn’t say anything.

Xuxi doesn’t either, thankfully. Instead the younger boy starts whining at Kun and Jaemin for more food and Johnny can’t help but wonder how many bowls he’s already had.

Unfortunately, Doyoung comes stalking down the stairs and into the kitchen like a storm cloud and Johnny can’t help but tense up at the sight of him.

“How is he?” Ten asks immediately, perking up from his position still leaning on Johnny.

Doyoung shakes his head and stars opening cupboards and closing them without really looking for anything.

“Is Hyuck up there, hyung?” Jaemin asks sadly. Doyoung nods and Johnny realises suddenly that they’re talking about Mark.

His gut churns unhappily and he regrets how much he’s eaten as he looks down at the bowl.

It’s something he’s tried hard not to think about. About what happened, and what had caused it all. He’d had his suspicions in the car on the way to the hospital, when he’d first had a bare second to _think_. It had been a worrying thought he’d pushed back, back, _back._ Because it shouldn’t matter. It didn’t matter.

It had been an _accident_.

But he knew it had been Mark. They all did. Ten had confirmed it sitting around the table last night. The only one of them to have watched the videos going around online.

Mark had slipped at the absolute worst possible moment and they had all fallen like dominoes.

Johnny pushes his bowl away and stands up.

“Johnny – “ Ten says, reaching for him but he shrugs out of Ten’s grasp and heads for the stairs.

“I’m going back to bed,” he says as he disappears back around the corner and storms back up the stairs to his room.

Somehow, he manages to fall back asleep but only after he ignores every single one of his own plushies and wraps himself around one of Taeyong’s pillows instead. It doesn’t last long, and he wakes up groggy and unsettled more than he was when he disappeared in a giant sulk. Someone reaches out to pet him softly and he nearly jumps out of his skin.

Ten chuckles and continues his ministrations.

“Feeling better?” he asks. Ten had somehow climbed over Johnny and his stuffed toys while he was sleeping and is sitting cross legged leaning against the wall. Johnny had curled up around him with Taeyong’s pillow between them.

Johnny grunts without much meaning. Ten hums in response.

“Manager Hyunjoon called Doyoung,” Ten says. “They’re gonna release Yong tomorrow morning just to be safe.”

“He’s okay though?” Johnny asks. Ten hums again.

“He’s alright. The Dreamies are gonna go see him this afternoon. Do you wanna go?”

Johnny’s stomach jolts and he clenches his hold on the pillow again.

“The kids should see him,” he says _._

“Liar.”

Johnny shakes his head and presses his forehead against Ten’s knee.

They’re quiet for a long moment.

“We’re gonna go at four o’clock,” Ten says and doesn’t say anything more.

*

Despite having nearly twice the population, the dorms are quieter than they’ve ever been.

Everyone keeps hanging out in groups but not actually saying much.

Chenle seems to be amusing himself by following any of Winwin’s whims while he, Jisung and Yuta are ‘bedridden’ with their sprains and ignoring the other two boys’ whining to great effect.

Jeno, Jaemin and Renjun are still camped out on the second couch, only this time lying all over each other, talking softly and still laughing at Chenle.

Jaehyun and Doyoung seem to have turned the kitchen into a base of operations with Jungwoo lurking around Doyoung, and Xuxi lurking around Jungwoo but mostly just getting in the way.

Taeil seems to be staring bemusedly at the whole charade and Kun just seems to be fluttering around the kitchen making _things_ no one eats.

And Johnny just feels in the way, especially with Ten as his shadow.

He’s never really felt how large a team they are until now. There are simply so _many_ of them and the only person they're missing isTaeyong.

Well, Taeyong, Mark and Donghyuck.                      

Three of Johnny’s favourite people.

Mark still hasn’t emerged from his room all day, and according to the others Donghyuck has been haunting Mark like a shadow since the moment they’d got off stage.  

No one has actually talked about what happened.

Nobody has talked about the videos.

But everyone knows.

The others keep looking at Johnny, like he knows what to say, how to fix it. But perhaps for the first time he’s just as lost. He keeps feeling Taeyong fall off his back, feeling like he’s failed something important.

But Mark, their effervescent, eternal maknae, is someone Johnny cares for far too much to let slip through his fingers like this.

And Donghyuck has always had a tight hold on Mark. Where one goes so does the other and Johnny doesn’t think his heart could take the idea of losing Hyuckie too.

Ten has been lurking since breakfast, which Johnny is grateful for. What he isn’t happy about is the smug look on Ten’s face when he asks Johnny where he’s going and he tells him.

One of Ten’s worst qualities has always been that he’s ten steps ahead of everyone else and just waiting for them to catch up.

Both Donghyuck and Mark are curled up in the two beds when Johnny knocks and enters without waiting. Donghyuck looks so relieved when he sees him Johnny’s heart breaks a little and Hyuck gets up without saying anything, coming towards him immediately, arms out stretched.

Mark is just a lump under his blankets.

Johnny hugs Donghyuck tightly and tries to not to fall apart when Hyuck starts shaking a little in his hold. It passes as quickly as it comes and Hyuck is the one to pull away.

“I’ll come find you right after, okay?” Johnny says, kissing Hyuck’s temple as he pretends not to notice the boy’s wiping at his glistening eyes. He waits until the door closes behind the younger boy before he crosses the room and sits down on the edge of Mark’s bed and pulls back the blankets.

Mark shoves his face into his pillows and whines but doesn’t try to fight for the blankets which Johnny counts as a win.

He’s got his earphones in, one of them falling out of his ear as he moves, and there’s something playing on his phone. A looping video.

Johnny can hear screaming through the tiny headphone speaker.

Mark looks guilty and sad and Johnny’s heart breaks for him all over again.

He takes the phone out of Mark’s hands and turns it off.

“It’s not your fault,” he says softly. Mark closes his eyes and shakes his head.

“Mark,” Johnny says, reaching out to stroke the young boy’s hair.

He really is just a boy still.

They’ve been stuck together for years now. He’s known Mark longer than most of the people he had ever known back in Chicago. For half of everything Mark was just a kid, a baby compared to the older kids who were a hoard of hulking teenagers.

But Mark had weathered the storm of training better than most. He has come out the other side one of their best. He puts Johnny to shame on every stage. They all play their parts and Johnny’s strength is his charisma. He is the moodmaker, both on stage and off; the chatterbox on camera and on air.

He keeps the team together, Taeyong told him once. Keeps them _united_ and on point when they're otherwise lost. 

Taeyong leads them; Johnny keeps them smiling.

He had never felt more important than that moment.

But he has never been the centre, like Mark or Taeyong.

And somehow that does’t matter, because after all the years he has spent training have been worth it, knowing that he _actually_ has a place here. In the team.

And if Johnny has wavered so much with more than four years on Mark and half the pressure…

They had babied him once, doted on him, because he needed it.

And then they had debuted and somewhere along the way they had let that slip.

Today Mark needs it more than he ever has.

“I messed up, Johnny-hyung,” Mark whispers, voice breaking as he tries not to cry.

Johnny’s heart breaks and he lies down next to Mark and pulls him close.

“I know. So did I. A lot of us did,” he says. Mark’s breath hitches.

“But it wasn’t our fault.”

“If I hadn’t slipped – “ Mark tries to say but Johnny shushes him.

"I know," he murmurs and lets the silence stretch until Mark's breathing settles into something softer before he tries again, the words feeling stronger on his tongue. 

“It was raining, Mark. We all knew Black on Black was stupid. We did our best. It was an accident. It wasn’t your fault, and no one blames you.”

“The internet does.”

“I don’t think so. No one would blame you. And especially not Taeyong, or anyone else downstairs.”

“They do though! And they’re _right_. I slipped, hyung. Taeyong and, and Yuta-hyung are hurt because of me.”

Johnny lets him cry, struck mute for a moment at the intensity of Mark’s guilt and how much it seems to have hurt him.

“It was an accident, Mark,” Johnny says, emphasising his words in some desperate attempt to get Mark to understand, repeating it over and over until Mark's tears finally dry. 

It feels a little hypocritical.

Mark closes his eyes and presses his forehead against Johnny’s chest, quiet for a moment before he whispers.

“Doyoungie-hyung and Hyuck keep saying that too.”

“Because it’s the _truth_. It’s not your fault. Punishing yourself isn’t going to help. Not you or Taeyong. So, please stop watching the video, Mark.”

 “Okay,” Mark whispers back after a long moment of quiet.

He doesn’t ask Johnny for his phone back.

Johnny counts it as another win.

*

He’s right, when he checks one very long and very sad Donghyuck-hug later.

The tweets and comments on the dozens of videos all over the internet are all supportive. Even the vaguely antagonising ones, that seem to say that everyone wasn’t being careful enough and it could have been avoided.

No one seems to blame anyone except the organisers of the concert and the missing roof. The only comments that mention Mark at all are full on supportive and compassionate, hoping that he’s okay. Praying that they’re _all_ okay, and that the team will help each other.

It’s heart-warming, in a way, but Johnny still feels sick even thinking about the concert and he knows it’s going to take time before he can accept their fans good wishes as they are.

That being said, Johnny hates the fact that he’d actually turned his phone back on to check.

Almost every one of his applications is bursting with notifications.

Sehun, Chanyeol, Minseok and Jongin have all messaged asking after them all, but mostly checking to see if Johnny himself is okay. So has Amber and Taemin and Hyuckjae. Both Leeteuk and Heechul have sent through offers to talk if he or Doyoung need it, and to help in any way they can, and it makes him feel overwhelmed more than anything.

The whole team group chat has a surprising number of notifications that he ignores, as does their Hyung line chat and the 127 chat.

The only notification that doesn’t make his stomach churn are the ones from his mother, which only deem to make him feel guilty for not having checked sooner.

He tucks himself away in his room, alone this time, and calls her back.

She answers quickly, as if she has been waiting for him to call. But just the sound of her voice alone makes him want to cry.

She knows him better than anyone and pulls the hurt out without even trying.

And he feels far stronger for it.

*

When Johnny finally emerges once more, he finds downstairs half a band smaller. The kids having been herded back to their dorm by Manager Ari, Taeil tells him. Johnny then takes advantage of the empty seat next to him and the two of them stretch out, taking up the whole of the couch without worry.

However, the dorm feels very empty and quiet with the kids’ absence and Johnny feels like a mother hen counting his chicks when the others hiding in the kitchen start trickling out into the lounge, including both Hyuck and Mark which Johnny finds relieving.

He’s glad they’re feeling at least a little better.

However, he’s pretty sure that most of the Dream kids had never been to their Dorm before yesterday, and certainly not all at once.

But he misses them now they’re gone.

Even when 9 twenty-something men living in one house is ridiculous enough in the first place, let alone 8 more.

Thankfully the feeling fades once Donghyuck settles himself on Johnny’s lap and he has someone to coddle.

Doyoung, their newly unappointed leader, takes advantage of them all being in the same room to do what Doyoung does best: nag.

It’s the first time any of them smile when Doyoung opens the list he has on his phone and clears his throat to start and Yuta groans rather loudly. It’s the first moment they have not completely underlined by stress since the concert, and Johnny appreciates the relief that shines through even his own mood.

Doyoung takes their teasing as easily as he always does and chooses to ignore them in favour of saying everything he’s listed during his unhealthy attachment to his phone in the last twelve hours.

“Are we still going to see Taeyongie later?” Hyuck asks first and foremost.

Doyoung nods.

“Hyunjoon-hyung said they’ve got the cars booked for four o’clock. But there’s probably going to be cameras, so hats and masks have to be on. Taeyong is going to be discharged tomorrow morning, and he’s going to go back home for a few days first. Which is something everyone else should also consider. We’ve each been given a week’s leave, to do with as we please.”

“Everyone?” Jaehyun asks, sounding surprised.

“The whole team. Too many of us are out of commission to try and work around it and nobody wants us to. Hyunjoon-Hyung thinks by then we’ll know what is happening with the Japanese Debut, too. The album is releasing later today as planned but as of this morning the Showcase next week has been cancelled, and they are trying to push everything else back. Worse comes to worse someone might have to substitute in for Taeyong during the promotions if he can’t dance. Hyung thinks one of the other members will work a lot better than a stand in.”

“Sorry about our debut, Yuta-hyung,” Mark says, and Yuta’s eyes flicker to him and he shrugs, thankfully ignoring the suffocating cloud of Mark’s misplaced guilt.

“We have the album, it’s not like we’re cancelling _everything_ ,” Yuta shrugs.

“I know you were looking forward to going home, though,” Mark says, more to his knees than to the rest of them.

“It’s alright. Like Dons said, we’ll know more when Hyunjoon-hyung does,” Yuta says, ruffling Mark’s hair affectionately.

“Are we allowed to go home?” Sicheng asks, surprising a few of them.

“Yes,” Doyoung replies with an easy smile. “The week is ours. The directors want us to rest and be ready for when we come back.”

“Then I guess the next thing to ask is who is going home?” Johnny asks, squeezing Hyuck a little tighter as a prompt.

He really needs a break, Johnny thinks.

Thankfully Donghyuck gets the point.

“I might?” he says, more of a question than his usual forthright statements but it’s something.

Doyoung smiles at their maknae warmly and nods before glancing towards the others.

“Jisung and Chenle won’t be back at the dorms tonight, Ari-hyung spoke to their parents after the concert and the boys wanted to stay here last night but they’ll head home after they see Taeyong.”

Johnny can feel Jaehyun looking at him pointedly from the other couch while Doyoung is speaking, but he ignores it and eventually Jaehyun speaks up.

“I think I’ll go home for a few days. It won’t be too much hassle with Enanna.”

Johnny’s gut churns at the mention of their radio show. He’d forgotten about that.

“What’s happening with it tonight?” he asks, and most eyes flash to him in confusion.

“I spoke to Hyunjoon-hyung this morning; Taemin-hyung offered to cover it for tonight and we can go back tomorrow. It was in the chat.”

“Oh,” Johnny says, feeling anxious under the gaze of so many of his members.

“I haven’t really checked everything yet,” he answers with a shrug and most of them look away at once, but the unsettling feeling of undue concern stays. 

“Well, we have time to decide what everyone wants to do,” Doyoung continues after a quiet lull, determined to keep the conversation heading in the direction he and his endless list of notes requires.

Johnny cant help but smile when Doyoung clears his throat again and moves down to the second item on his list. Good old reliable Doyoung.

“So, another thing – “ he starts and right on time Yuta wails dramatically like his life is over.

The reaction is instantaneous and bright.

Everyone laughs, even Mark and Donghyuck, giggling from his spot on Johnny’s lap, and once again Johnny feels a flare of relief run through the room.

But for the first time he realises that they're all going to be okay.

And he laughs too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Johnny is being Too Sad and its bumming even me out. So sorry about that. But he'll bounce back once his boy crush #2 comes back next chapter. Promise xx
> 
> I hope you enjoyed.  
> xx


	3. Chapter 3 -

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team goes to see Taeyong at the hospital to make sure with their own eyes that he still has all his hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I only started posting this fic in the first place because I thought I had waaaaay more done of Chapter three than I did.  
> Whoops.  
> Sorry! This took forever, so thankyou if you're still reading.  
> I hope this chapter of Clingy Hyuck (my personal weakness) and Johnny being stupid for Taeyong brings you joy. 
> 
> Happy Holidays!  
> xx

Four o clock comes faster than Johnny expected.

Like he _had_ expected, most of the younger kids want to go. Everyone who didn’t get to spend hours waiting at the hospital seems ready to bounce off the walls the moment the clock hits 3:30.

Somehow the managers don’t try to convince anyone to stay, asking only so they know how many cars they need and what emergencies to plan for.

The only stipulations they get are that everyone wears masks and hats into the hospital to try to hinder the cameras, and secondly, that no one wanders off; _no exceptions._

Everyone seems to be feeling a little vulnerable and no one argues or tries to push their boundaries.  

Johnny almost decides to stay behind, surprising Ten, if the look on his face means anything. But he changes his mind when Donghyuck looks for him in the crowd of team and managers and attaches himself firmly.

Feeling a little raw at how long he had let the two youngest 127 members stew in their own feelings, Johnny lets the kid do whatever he wants.

Sadly, it doesn’t seem as if Donghyuck’s mischief goes much further than a very firm grasp on Johnny’s arm and sitting very purposefully in the seat Ten had been eyeing when they all climbed into the cars.

It’s a quiet and solemn trip across Seoul, until the lurking fans and photographers notice the line-up of large cars.

No one perks up like they usually would. No one thinks about poking their head out; in fact, everyone almost tenses and slides down a little in their seat.

But despite the flashing cameras its tame by all other standards and no one is waiting for them at the hospital entrance.

The maknaes surge forward with Manager Ari on their heels from the moment they all climb out of the cars. Chenle has somehow found an unbridled eagerness in the trip over that makes Johnny smile.

Hyuck, on the other hand, gets fidgety as they all lurk near the elevators, waiting their turn. But once Johnny wraps his arm around him again, Hyuck settles and flashes Johnny a relieved smile before once again turning into a limpet.

Taeil eyes Johnny from his spot against the wall with Mark on one side and Jungwoo on the other and they share a smile at the very familiar experience of a clingy Donghyuck.

With the managers and Doyoung running point, all Johnny does is follow their orders and pile into the elevator when he’s told to.

It’s very tight going as they’re all still moving as one singular unit as much as possible. They make it in two trips and are lead down to a very large, very empty waiting room at the far end of the corridor.

Manager Ari is herding Jisung and Chenle; Taeil has Mark and Jungwoo, Doyoung doing the God’s work with the other three 00 line which leaves Hyuck with Johnny and Xuxi with Kun. While Yuta, Jaehyun, Ten and Winwin follow at the rear.

The sight of the eldest members with their subconsciously appointed children makes Johnny smile and he hugs Donghyuck a little tighter as they shuffle step down the hallway.

Thankfully, things are very different than they were the night before.

Manager Hyunjoon comes down to meet them not long after they all find seats and they’re told that Taeyong is fully awake, mostly un-drugged and waiting for them.

The mood is much brighter after that.

For the sake of expediency and the manager’s sanity they’re informed that they’ll get to see Taeyong in small groups.

Jisung and Chenle end up getting to go first because they’re not above whining to get their way, and because their parents are eager to get them home.

Not that anyone would have been able to argue with them, nor can anyone ignore the happy chitter the boys let out when the managers call them up.

Hyuck sits himself down on Johnny’s lap and doesn’t make any sign of moving so at Doyoung’s urging the rest of the 00 line follow the maknae’s without argument.

They’re not gone long. While visiting hours are reasonably long in the wards, they make for a very large group of people lined up to see Taeyong, and Johnny knows this visit for the rest of the group is more about making sure with their own eyes that Taeyong is still alive than any normal visiting.

Chenle has an even bigger bounce to his step when he makes his way back, followed not long after by Jaemin, Jeno and Renjun, while Jisung brings up the rear dragging his feet a little.

But they each look better for the trip. Even Jisung’s sad-mouse expression doesn’t change the lighter stance he has, or the stress-free line of his shoulders.

The elder kids sit back down in their empty chairs, or in Jeno’s case onto the seat next to Doyoung and then slumps over his shoulder like a cat.

Manager Ari tries to coral the two maknae’s again with mixed success. Jisung, in a rare show of discipline, goes rather quickly, while Chenle bounces around and hugs or paws at as many of his hyungs as he can before returning to Manager Ari dutifully after the third time he's called and the two of them are herded back down to the cars.

Jaehyun is the first to stand up for the second group and goes straight over to Mark and drags him to his feet. Doyoung looks around the room almost like a meercat, before his gaze lingers on Xuxi and Kun who both stand up and wait by the door while Jaehyun murmurs something to Mark.

Hyuck fidgets and Johnny tightens his hold around the boy’s waist and leans forward to rest his chin on Hyuck’s shoulder.

“You okay, sunshine?” he murmurs quietly.

“No,” Hyuck answers honestly. Johnny’s chest constricts but he gives Hyuck a squeeze all the same.

“I know. We’ll go next, okay?”

“Okay.”

Mark’s visit takes a lot longer than the kids’ did. Not that anyone puts up a fuss about it. Without Jisung to tease, Jaemin settles on the floor between Renjun’s legs and occasionally pokes at Ten for attention.

Ten keeps casting glances at Johnny that he doesn’t miss, but with Hyuck firmly planted all he does is look.

There is too much stretching between him and Ten and Taeyong and all this has done is blatantly remind him that they _really need to talk,_ Johnny thinks, chin still resting on Hyuck’s shoulder as he bounces him on his knee like a toddler.

The move brings a soft giggle out of Donghyuck and then there’s no stopping it. Johnny can’t help but smirk as he increases and decreases his bouncing to great effect.

It makes _him_ feel lighter too, and a large number of the others start smiling again, he notices. He can see even Manager Hyunjoon trying to keep his smile under wraps as Hyuck makes a low guttural ‘ahh’ sound that he drawls out like he’s mocking Taeyong in _Limitless_ again.

They’re so wrapped up in it that they don’t notice the others come back until Xuxi snorts loudly and Johnny goes from the tips of his toes to his feet flat on the floor with a sudden drop that makes Donghyuck make a high-pitched yelp that makes the rest of the room chuckle.

Even Mark, standing behind Kun and Xuxi, cracks a smile.

Johnny grins and puts his hands on Hyuck’s waist and lifts him up to another amusing sound effect.

“Come on Hyuckie,” he smiles, leading the way up the hall to where Manager Ji is standing on her phone just outside Taeyong’s room.

Yuta and Winwin follow without much fussing and Johnny is suddenly faced with the yawning doorway to Taeyong’s room and an anxious Donghyuck feeding off Johnny’s own emotions.

He can’t have that.

Clearing his throat Johnny takes Donghyuck’s hand and leads him into the room without any more thinking or fussing or stressing.

Taeyong looks wildly different than he did the night before and something fragile still lodged in Johnny’s chest flutters.

He gets the very sudden urge to cry and smile at the same time and it’s only the others talking at Taeyong happily that gives Johnny a moment to stop and think and try and push back the tears.

He’s not sure how well it works, but much like last night he’s spared much of Taeyong’s singular focus for most of their visit and he’s allowed to just sit and stare and bask.

Taeyong is sitting up properly, not slumped on his pillows like he had been. His eyes are much clearer too, though not quite the sharp sparkle Johnny is used to.

He’s still pale and slow to move as he pulls Donghyuck up onto the bed to wrap his arms around their maknae who goes more than willingly.

Hyuckie’s expression wobbles for a moment but he doesn’t tip over, suddenly looking furious at himself. After a moment he peers up at Taeyong with a wide-eyed look akin to a baby.

It makes Johnny want to hug the both of them.

Thankfully he can always trust Yuta to bring them back down to some equilibrium, taking the empty chair again and trying and failing to pull Sicheng into his lap.

“Still got all your hair I see,” Yuta grins and Taeyong whines at the teasing, pouting dramatically with his chin perched on Donghyuck’s shoulder and something in Johnny’s chest constricts. He wishes he had his camera. That he could preserve this moment where things feel okay. Where they all feel right; Yuta teasing, Taeyong wilting against it and their maknae basking it in the chaos it brings.

“- are you guys okay?” Taeyong asks suddenly and Johnny gets the feeling he's missed something staring at Taeyong and Hyuck. He tries not to blush when he feels Sicheng poke him in the shoulder, a smirk curling the corner of his lips when Johnny glances his way.

“Jae said you were helping Mark, Hyuckie?” Taeyong asks, hugging Donghyuck a little tighter.

Donghyuck nods.

“He was blaming himself a lot.”

“I know,” Taeyong said sadly. “I think some time with his Mom will help. It really wasn’t his fault. I’m glad you were trying to remind him that, Hyuckie.”

“Chenle’s been taking care of Sicheng here, Haechannie’s taking care of Mark, Tennie’s looked after me and Yuta just has to fend for himself,” Johnny says, leaning over to give Sicheng a one-armed hug and try to dispel the slightly morose feeling that had fallen over the room.

Thankfully Yuta can always be trusted to tease Doyoung when prompted, and as if on cue, he wails dramatically.

“You need to hurry home, Taeyong-ah, Doyoung is a dictator! His power is only growing! He’s writing lists!”

Taeyong grins.

“I’ll be home before you know it. I might even be back before you guys. Jaeminnie said everyone has a week off. You’re going to go home, right? Hyuckie?”

“Eomma is picking me up tomorrow, hyung.”

“Good. Sicheng-ah?”

“I’m going tomorrow too.”

“I think Youngjae-hyung has booked everyone for tomorrow,” Yuta says, pulling his chair closer to the bed with irritating screeching noises. Taeyong winces with each one, but mostly he just looks fond. Johnny is sure Taeyong has missed them as much as they miss him.

He is a worrier, after all and he wouldn’t have been ignorant to what had happened. He’s spent the last two years as their leader and knows everything that is happening with his members at any one time.

He often knows more about Mark and Donhyuck’s schedules than they do.

The moment he was back in his own head he would have started worrying and the only real question is when exactly that had started.

Johnny hopes it hasn’t been too long.

The last 18 hours have felt like centuries.

“You’re going home too Yukkuri?” Taeyong asks, switching his attention to Yuta.

“Yeah, Eomma wanted me to tell you she’s thinking of you.”

“Give her a hug for me?”

“If I wasn’t going home she’d come all the way here and do it herself,” Yuta says, his tone fond in a way that he only ever has with Taeyong.

Taeyong is like that.

There are a lot of reasons any of the members could be sour with Taeyong. He is their main rapper and main dancer, their centre, and face of the group.

All on top of being their Leader.

He writes his own raps, choreographs his own dances and has moved more and more into song production as well as the years progress.

He is also so frustratingly beautiful to the point people had spent almost their entire first year of debut complementing his face and almost nothing else.

It was only Doyoung’s teasing that had started breaking down the hatred they had all started building up around the question _who is the most handsome?_

There is just so much more to Taeyong. His work ethic, his stage presence, his charisma, his natural, unimposing charm. He is one of the kindest people Johnny has ever met and has fought harder against people’s opinions of him than had been wise for his own health. He is the best of them, and that is why they all love him.

An impossible, improbable feat for 17 ambitious boys from all over the world.

But terrifyingly easy, as Johnny is very familiar with.

“Are you okay, Sichengie? I remember you fell a lot too,” Taeyong asks, and even just the sound of his voice is enough to draw Johnny back into the conversation.

“I’m okay, hyung. My knee is sore, but it’s okay.”

“He sprained his knee and Chenle’s done almost everything for him since. I don’t think he had to lift anything since last night,” Yuta complains with a pout.

“I like to be comfortable,” Sicheng grins.

“No one is lifting anything for me, and my arm is _broken,”_ Yuta complains again, looking far more put out that Sicheng isn’t giving in to his charade than his injury.

Hearing Taeyong’s uncontrollable, unattractive giggle right then is near on the best thing Johnny has heard all day.

Yuta is more than ready to continue his dramatics for as long as it entertains Taeyong when Manager Hyunjoon pokes his head around the corner of the room and cuts him off.

“Boys, Manager Ari is taking the Dream members back to the dorms; Hyuckie, do you want to go with them?” he asks.

Donghyuck, sat happily on Taeyong’s bed, still mid-hug, glances up at Taeyong for a long moment. Taeyong squeezes his middle rather obviously instead of asking anything and Hyuck looks back to their manager and nods just as easily. Manager Hyunjoon smiles at them all and slides back around the corner to give them a little more privacy again.

Taeyong, sensing the tension in their maknae again, settles his chin on Donghyuck’s shoulder and starts murmuring to him.  

“It’s okay. I’ll be home tomorrow, Hyuckie. And you can call me any time you want. We’ll be back at the dorms in no time.”

Donghyuck looks a little tender for a moment, before a familiar mischief lights up his face. Johnny reminds himself to give the boy another hug later to make up for every moment he’d left the kid alone for most of the day.

“Aigoooooo,” Donghyuck whines cutely, like he has taken to doing with Taeil and leans up to give Taeyong a kiss on the cheek before he clambers off the bed and across the room to their manager.  

He doesn't give Johnny a second look, which he takes as a good thing.

Yuta takes that as a sign to go back to the waiting room as well.

“We should let Doyoung and co invade your space,” he says, heaving himself out of his chair and pulling Taeyong into a very familiar tight Yuta hug.

Sicheng giggles and hovers in the doorway, waving when Yuta finally separates himself.

“Tell me when you land,” Johnny barely understands Taeyong murmur in Japanese as he and Yuta pry apart. 

Johnny doesn’t hear the reply, instead hovering awkwardly in the doorway with Sicheng.

He wants a hug too. Would it be awkward to ask when the conversation had reached its natural end?

Thankfully he doesn’t need to think much longer as Taeyong saves him. As he always does. 

“Johnny?” Taeyong calls as Yuta bounces across the room to Sicheng in the doorway.

Yuta glances back at Johnny and then shoots him a wink that makes Johnny’s stress spike again. Yuta then slings his good arm over Sicheng’s shoulders and pulls him back towards the waiting room before any more can be said.

Johnny takes a deep breath and turns back, shooting Taeyong a smile as he crosses the room back to the bed.

“Yeah, Yongie?”

Taeyong almost looks like he is blushing as Johnny perches on the mattress beside him.

“It’s just… I’m getting discharged tomorrow morning and I was wondering if you would come with me?”

Johnny’s stomach jolts, and he cant help it when his smile widens.

“Of course. I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he replies.

Taeyong’s smile is blinding and so is the feeling that rises up in Johnny when Taeyong reaches out and clutches his hand in both of his.

“I’m glad you’re going home. I hate seeing you here,” Johnny murmurs, hating himself for bringing the mood down, but it seems like Taeyong understands.

Taeyongie always understands. 

“I wish you could go home too, Youngho.”

“I could, but then I wouldn’t be able to see you every day. Which is far more important to me at the moment.”

Taeyong has always been easy to fluster, everyone in the group can make him flail and whine and get embarrassed.

Johnny is happiest knowing he's part of the far more exclusive club of those who can make him completely speechless.

It's the absolute cutest thing.

Johnny grins. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” he says, giving Taeyong’s hands a squeeze before leaning down, completely on impulse, and pressing a kiss to Taeyong’s forehead.

Taeyong doesn’t make a sound, and Johnny isn’t brave enough to look at him until he's out the door, where, like Orpheus before him, he glances back.

The soft look on Taeyong’s face is definitely worth it.

Even if he did have to put up with Yuta sending him very specific looks while the others take their turns.

He is going to have to do something about Yuta soon, Johnny knows, before their resident snark starts interfering.

He's in _trouble_.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuta meddles and Johnny finally faces up to the fact he has feeeeeelings

The dorms that night are an altogether unfamiliar affair.

While the absolute stress of the last twenty-four hours had finally lifted, there is a subdued exhaustion that seems to have taken its place that leaves everyone quiet and lazy.

No one in the 127 dorm can be bothered cooking, and so they order an enormous amount of food on Manager Hyunjoon’s company card, who looks the most tired out of all of them but still seems to be working the whole time he’s eating.

There isn’t a lot of talking, they just sit around the kitchen table shoving food into their mouths in silence before slowly slipping away to their rooms one by one to pack for their free time at home.

Johnny is the last to leave the kitchen, collecting the empty containers and disposable chopsticks to be thrown away, when Yuta corners him.

“So, what did Taeyongie say after we left?” he smirks, leaning up against the kitchen bench, arms folded and watching Johnny work.

There are times Johnny isn’t sure Yuta remembers he isn’t living in a drama.

“And what makes you think I should tell you?” he asks, glancing up with a raised eyebrow.

Yuta’s grin widens.

“I’ll tell Doyoungie that you had a private chat with our poor invalid,” he threatens.

Johnny rolls his eyes.

“You’re a terrible blackmailer,” Johnny replies, and Yuta chuckles and surprisingly doesn’t push further.

Instead of taking the bait, Yuta turns to a completely different topic that actually surprises Johnny.

“I don’t think anyone really asked you except Ten. How are you in all this? You’ve been really quiet all day.”

Johnny stops his tidying up to turn back towards Yuta a little dumbstruck.

“I’m fine, you’re the one who’s hurt. I didn’t even fall properly.”

“Yeah, but you’re the base. You’re our communications centre, Johnny. When you go down, we all do. And your enormous crush on Taeyong wouldn’t have helped anything. It was scary. My arm broke and it hurt like hell but you and Doyoungie and Ten were holding him up and for a moment I thought he was dead. It scared the hell out of _me_ , Johnny. I just, I wanted to ask how you are.”

Johnny notices how carefully Yuta avoids saying that he was the one Taeyong fell off.

But the rest makes his heart hurt.

Yuta has always been softer than he ever appears when they're working. Things affect him, and he usually takes a wiser approach about it than most others. The life lessons he follows are intelligent and articulate, but at the same time he is painfully petty and childish when the feeling strikes.

He cries more than everyone Johnny knows except Jungwoo, but its usually alone, and its usually all at once.

But while that may be the way Yuta treats himself, he is painfully careful with others. He seems to be able to read the members easily and has always taken the care to check on them often.

It had been especially needed back when they were still trainees and it seemed there were new faces every few months and only half of them could speak a word of Korean.

Yuta had been the first of them, alone in a foreign country and with nothing but his own desperation to communicate to really help him learn. The electronic communicators they all had only went so far, and it had always been Yuta who was first to help the foreign kids, and Yuta who helped them the most.

His charade with Winwin isn’t entirely an act – Sicheng is easily a favourite amongst the entire group. But Yuta understands Sicheng more than most. He knows what its like to not know how to talk to those around him. How it feels to be alone and scared and unable to ask for help.

His affection is over the top, but there is usually a reason.

Sicheng doesn’t like others touching him with the same abandon that everyone else touches each other. Everyone has their boundaries but when there are always so many of them, lines get crossed.  

They are all brazenly affectionate with each other, and while Yuta is always in Sicheng’s space, when he is there no one else can be.

It's perhaps too liberal a thought, Johnny considers, but he has also seen Yuta put himself between his friends and interviewers often enough to know Yuta plays their bodyguard in more ways than one.

This is no different.

This is the Yuta Johnny loves most.

Yuta is the one with his arm in a cast, his wrist broken as he’d slipped, trying to catch himself from hitting his face against the stage.

Yet Yuta is the one trying to check on Johnny, not the other way around.

“So?” Yuta presses, sick of Johnny’s stalling. “What did Yongie say?”

Johnny blushes and turns back to the kitchen table.

“He asked me to join him when he leaves the hospital tomorrow.”

“Well that’s good!”

“What’s good?” comes the unmistakable voice of Doyoung as he appears in the doorway.

Johnny groans and Yuta cackles.  

“Great.”

“Taeyongie asked Johnny to go back to his house with him tomorrow,” Yuta says looking far happier than he had a moment ago.

Johnny squawks.

“Not like that!” he flusters, but the two seem to ignore him completely.

“Finally! All it took was landing on his head to make Taeyong start thinking for himself,” Doyoung replies pulling out a bottle of water from the fridge.

“Oh my god!” Johnny groans. “Don’t you have an _entire fridge_ in your room?”

“Yes, but I heard gossiping. So, are you going?”

“Yes. I’m not going home like the rest of you, so I figured I could keep him company,” Johnny answers a little stiffly.

Doyoung’s grin clearly shows he is laughing at him. Yuta is far more direct.

“ _Company_ , eh?” Yuta grins, wiggling his eyebrows. Johnny throws a used chopstick at him and takes great satisfaction when it bounces off the top of Yuta’s head.

“You’re lucky Taeyong isn’t here to see you do that,” Doyoung teases as he heads back towards the door.

“Jungwoo has definitely been a bad influence on him,” Johnny mutters under his breath as Doyoung disappears back up the stairs.

Yuta tosses his head back and laughs.

“You’re the one having a crisis, Johnny-boy. Is Tennie staying tonight as well?”

“Why are you like this?”

“Why are all three of you so incapable of having an adult conversation?”

“Have you ever _seen_ the two of them together?” Johnny counters just as quickly.

Yuta laughs again.

“Touché. But Dons is right, you know. Maybe this did knock some sense into Yongie. I don’t think Ten is going home either, you should take the time to shack up. Fuck on Doyoung’s bed. Have the time of your life while the dorm is empty.”

“We both know that Doyoung will be back in three days when he gets sick of Gongmyung.”

“Then you’ve got three days to sort it out! Stick to blow jobs and Yong will be fine. That totally doesn’t count as excessive exercise.”

“I think the warning is for vigorous exercise.”

“Eh,” Yuta shrugs, clearly not caring too much.

“But seriously, Johnny. He’s _okay_. We all are. All Yongie needs is someone to fuss over him for a few days and you’ve always been his favourite for that. He turns into a giant baby the moment you pay him the slightest attention. Go, hang out with him tomorrow. Tell him you love him and everything will be fine. You’ll be shacked up with Tentastic and Yongie before you know it.”

“I don’t know if I should be concerned how invested you are in getting me and Taeyong together with Ten. Who’s running the betting pool?”

“Taeil.”

Johnny covers his face with his hands, groaning.

“I hate all of you.”

“Well, not _all_ of us. There are two in particular that – “

“I _will_ leak every single one of your selcas from the groupchat, Nakamoto.”

“They get _deleted.”_

“Not on my watch they don’t! If I’ve learned anything from Super Junior it’s that you never delete blackmail material!”

“Rude!” Yuta wails, deciding that his job is done and making a smart retreat.

Johnny watches him go and tries not to smile the moment Yuta reaches the stairs and starts shouting for Sicheng.

_“You know the rules! If you leave me for more than three days I get as many hugs as I want!”_

It doesn’t work, but Johnny let it slide, smiling happily and alone in the kitchen to the sound of everyone shouting up and down the stairs.

Its as if the air has cleared, and the last of the serious worry has finally lifted.

Having a break is going to do all of them a lot of good and Johnny already feels lighter about it all, too.

Finishing the last of the tidying up he pulls a bottle of water from the fridge and finally heads up to his and Taeyong’s room.

While Ten had chosen to go back to his own dorm hours ago, Yuta’s teasing has Johnny holding his breath until he opens the door and finds the room empty.

He has to admit then, if only to himself, that he is a little disappointed.

Yuta had got his hopes up _way_ too easily.

Not that he was ready for sleep, anyway.

Its still far too early for most of them to even think about sleeping. He is usually at SBS at this time almost every night, preparing for Ennana. Not to mention the boys are still making too much noise on the other side of almost every wall, and he stops to listen to it again while he gathers his pajamas and cleansers to try and beat most of them to the hot water.

He’s the first in, thankfully, and by the time he emerges feeling clean and fresh again the other two showers are going and Donghyuck is slumped over Manager Hyunjoon’s shoulders in a tired back hug while their hyung talks to Mark at the bottom of the stairs.

The three of them taking up almost the entire hallway.

“Goodnight,” he calls to the three of them, catching the air kiss Hyuck sends his way and sending one back and grinning at the scrunched up look of distaste Mark makes.

Back inside his room again this time the exhaustion hits like a freight train. Glancing up at Taeyong’s empty bed it suddenly seems like a fever dream that the accident had barely happened 24 hours before.

Flopping down onto his bed he shuffles his way between his mess of plush toys and pulls the closest one to his chest and lets out a long breath, eyes closed and quiet. The quiet doesn’t last long.

Sleep can be the most foreign thing in the world sometimes, but Johnny knows he’s not alone in it. He can hear Doyoung and Mark on the other side of the wall shuffling around and murmuring quietly and he feels a surge of jealousy then that surprises him and has his fingers twitching for his phone.

It doesn’t take long to give in, and for only the second time in as many days he finds himself actually taking in all the messages.

The first one makes him feel better instantly.

It had only been a few hours since he had talked to his mother, but well, being a mama’s boy is a full time job and he is very good at it.

He misses her always, but its always like she knows exactly when he needs her most.

 

 

 

> **MOM** **  
> **_Received 08:27pm_  
>  I know today was  
>  very hard. I am very  
>  proud of you  
>  love, mom

 

The message makes him feel better almost instantly and he can’t help but smile as he sends back a reply with lots of kisses and little hearts. His mom always appreciates the sillier sentiments too. He got it from her, after all.

He reopens some of the older messages he’d ignored earlier in the day, starting with Sehun and Amber who are at the top of his KakaoTalk and works his way down.

He sends thanks to Leeteuk and Heechul and Hyukjae for their advice and offers to listen if he needed to talk. Letting Kibum and Junmyeon and Chanyeol and Jongin know that Taeyong is okay. The list is long, and it makes his heart hurt knowing that their SM family is enormous but they’re all familiar with pain a and worry these days, some more than others. But he feels all the better for answering each and every one of them.

Like Jaehyun had said, the managers from SBS had given them the nights grace, and Taemin had volunteered to take over the station for the night again, still in Seoul after the concert and Johnny sends him through an enormous thankyou as well.

There is also an offer from SBS for he and Jae to record earlier in the day tomorrow if they want, with all other Night Night live schedules pushed back until later. Jaehyun had replied, saying he’d talk to Johnny about it, but that still hasn’t happened yet and so Johnny sends Jae a question via text and returns to answering his other messages when his phone buzzes and makes him jump almost out of his skin.

It’s not anyone he was expecting, however, but it makes his heart soar all the more for it and he can’t help but stare fondly at the cute squishy face Taeyong is making in his profile picture as he opens the message.

 

 

 

 

> **YONGIE**  
>  _Received 11:07pm_  
>  I didn’t know you  & J  
>  weren’t on NNN tonight.  
>  I wanted to hear your  
>  voice ㅜ.ㅜ

 

The message makes Johnny’s heart thump loudly in his chest and he bites his lip as he replies, everyone else completely forgotten as he watches almost anxiously for more before his own message has even sent.

 

 

 

 

> **JYANI**  
>  _Sent 11:09pm_  
>  I think that’s the first time  
>  anyone has ever been  
>  disappointed by Lee Taemin
> 
>  
> 
> **YONGIE**  
>  Received 11:12pm  
>  Don’t tease me  
>  I miss you  
>  hospitals are scary  
>  at night ㅜ.ㅜ

 

Johnny hurries to reply, fingers twitching and he has to fight not to call Taeyong first, but habit is habit, and they’ve lived too long with strict schedules to break it even now and he waits for the okay first.

 

 

 

 

> **JYANI  
>  **_Sent 11:13pm_  
>  Want me to call you?
> 
>  

It takes Taeyong a moment to reply, and Johnny watches the little marker flash when Taeyong is typing, unable to turn away, his thumb hovering on the call button itching to press down.

 

 

 

 

> **YONGIE**  
>  _Received 11:16pm_  
>  No ㅜ.ㅜ  
>  I should go to sleep  
>  I just wanted to listen  
>  to you talk ㅠ.ㅠ

 

It doesn’t do much to stop the desire to still call, to listen to his voice, soft and sleepy, as he usually is when Johnny comes back from Enanna. He wants to hear Taeyong too.

But there is always tomorrow.

Taeyong really needs to sleep, after all, and so does he.

Not that it doesn’t hurt to turn him down.

 

 

 

> **JYANI**  
>  _Sent 11:19pm_  
>  I’ll be there in the  
>  morning Yongie  
>  promise

 

It doesn’t take more than a beat before Taeyong replies again and it makes Johnny’s anxiety soften and fade away.

 

 

 

> **YONGIE**  
>  _Received 11:20pm_  
>  *(^o^)*

And he realises in that moment that he is definitely in a lot deeper than he thought. Than anybody thought. He is head over heels. Doomed.

 

 

 

> **JYANI**  
>  _Sent 11:24pm_  
>  Goodnight kitten

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you're enjoying where this is going. 
> 
> I'd really love some twitter friends if anyone wants to flail about our boys before my bff actually gets sick of me. 
> 
>  
> 
> [Twitter](http://twitter.com/CaptainJacq)


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny finally goes to see Taeyong by himself and they are Very Soft

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm super sorry this took so long again.  
> It's a bit longer than I thought it was going to be - everyone had a lot to say.  
> So i hope that makes up for it.  
> This is also where the Good Stuff starts happening, so I hope you all enjoy!  
> mwah xxx
> 
> PS: This chapter is for Mon who is the bEST

**Chapter Five**

 

Johnny hasn’t always been an early riser, but in a house with nine other people it had long ago become one of the few ways to get a moment to himself.

And even so there are generally at least 2 others awake before him (usually Yuta and Manager Hyunjoon-hyung) and pottering around with a very similar goal.

While Hyunjoon-hyung is _always_ working, Yuta just likes the early mornings and hanging out on the terrace or attempting to go for a sneaky walk or workout.

Johnny’s goal, however, has always been coffee.

Today is not terribly different, even if the ulterior goal is calming himself down after a bad dream about the concert again.

There are some days they have that start far too early for any of them to feel or act like real humans, but on most days everyone will lay around in bed until at least 9:00am.

Today falls somewhere nicely in the middle, with 5:00am being the work of the devil, but almost half the dorm needing to be in a car on the way to the airport before their normal wake up time.

Johnny gets to sit back and watch most of the chaos, drinking his coffee.

Once people’s alarms start going off one by one, Doyoung in a rare show of proactivity, starts knocking on everyone’s doors almost immediately.

Their resident Bunny has always enjoyed mothering the other members, something that had been rather surprising when it had started after they’d been moved into a singular dorm, all those years ago.

Once they had all been selected as primary trainees and things had started getting exciting.

Back then it had been far more nagging and misguided commentary than it is now. But back then they had none of the certainty they do these days.

 _These days_ Doyoung is a lot softer and more open with his affection. But that doesn’t actually _stop_ him nagging.

He likes doing both.

Manager Hyunjoon comes out amid about half the chaos, with most of the team awake but not actually doing anything except getting in each other’s way.

He looks exhausted enough that Johnny would believe anyone who told him their poor hyung hadn’t slept for weeks.

Johnny doesn’t envy him the mess this has clearly made.

Their Japanese debut was supposed to have been _next week._

Thankfully, Doyoung seems to have reached that realisation far quicker than Johnny and is on top of everything better than any Drill Sergeant.

Doyoung has always liked keeping a very detailed diary of everyone’s comings and goings, but even Johnny doesn’t know how Doyoung has managed to get everyone’s flight schedules this time.

But he has them, marching up and down the stairs with his dreaded phone in hand yelling at Donghyuck to make sure he has everything, because he needs to be ready to leave along with Yuta and Sicheng for his flight down to Jeju, and they need to be _gone_ in 45 minutes.

Feeling his melancholy slip away, Johnny slips back into the kitchen and starts by making their poor manager-hyung a large cup of coffee before then turning to the cups for everyone else.

Yuta is the first down to the actual kitchen, looking chipper and with a bounce to his step as he pulls out a water bottle and takes his pain meds and starts poking at their fruit bowl.

He has a look on his face that warns Johnny he’s about to start something again when thankfully Mark comes thumping down the stairs and Yuta stands up straight and seems to drop his plans to tease Johnny and instead starts peeling an orange one handed instead.

While teasing and Mark feature in Yuta’s favourite things, they’re usually together, and Johnny is thankful for Yuta’s consideration today.

For all Mark’s current resilience, Johnny knows the kid isn’t quite ready for Yuta’s teasing just yet.

Especially when at present time Taeyong _is_ still in the hospital.

“Coffee?” Johnny asks as a distraction, and Mark nods, looking grateful when Johnny hands him a cup. He shoots Yuta a questioning glance.  

“Mmmm, yep,” Yuta nods and Johnny starts searching through the cupboards for Yuta’s favourite cup, because if he doesn’t make the biggest drink he can then they’re going to end up at starbucks on the way to the airport and everyone spends _way_ too much money there already.

“I forgot to ask, when are you leaving to go get Yongie?” Yuta finally asks once Johnny sets Yuta’s coffee in front of him. But before he can answer Doyoung comes down the stairs frog-marching a whining Donghyuck. The moment Hyuckie spots Johnny he immediately skitters out of Doyoung’s reach and puts himself behind Johnny like Doyoung had been threatening him bodily harm.

“He’s getting released at eleven,” Johnny says, ignoring Donghyuck clutching at the back of his shirt to finish another americano. “So, I figured I’d head that way about the same time everyone else leaves.”

“Wait, you’re going to see Taeyong-hyung?” Mark says, perking up.

Johnny tries not to blush when Doyoung starts snickering.

“Yeah, I’m not going anywhere so I figured I’d go and help him get back and settled at home,” he says, trying to be nonchalant about it. It doesn’t work on Yuta and Doyoung, clearly, but their two youngest seem to buy into it.

Mark just looks a little disappointed. 

“ _Taeyongie_ asked,” Yuta smirked, shooting Johnny a very specific look and Johnny regrets giving Yuta his drink already, so he can’t _accidentally_ spill it in his face.

“He knew your mom was coming, and I don’t know how long it’s going to take.” Johnny says turning to look straight at Mark as he’s talking, as if he isn’t clearly making excuses.

Yuta is losing his mind, trying to keep his giggles from breaking free the whole time. Doyoung, on the other hand, is doing a much better job of not laughing and Johnny hates them both.

Donghyuck, since Johnny had ignored him, has shuffled away and latched himself onto Yuta like a koala and starts stage whispering dramatically.

“Are they finally going on a date?”

Johnny wants to scream.

Doyoung is the first to break, letting out a cackle he has clearly been holding in since the night before when he’d interrupted Johnny’s conversation with Yuta.

“You know what I hate all of you,” Johnny scowls and it only makes Doyoung’s laughter all the louder.

Donghyuck looks incredibly proud of himself, and Johnny has the urge to tell him to stop hanging out with Yuta when he remembers that the only bad influence on Donghyuck _is_ Donghyuck.

“Is everyone finished?” he frowns, trying not to look at any single one of them when Taeil and Jaehyun rescue him by appearing in the doorway.

“Good morning?” Taeil smiles and then trails off as they all turn to look at their oldest hyung.

“Morning, Taeilie-hyung!” Donghyuck chirps and detaches himself from Yuta to wander over for his morning Taeil hug.

“Yah! How are we all going for time? Is everyone ready?” Manager Hyunjoon-hyung calls out from the loungeroom

“Yes!” everyone calls, despite most of them having a terrible track record with being on time.

Johnny snorts.

“I think I’m gonna get out of the way,” he mutters, picking up his second coffee of the morning and shuffling around the crowd of members to try and make his way back to the lounge.

Manager Hyunjoon-hyung is on his phone, as usual, frowning at it when Johnny wanders over and sits down.

“How about you, Johnny? Are you doing okay?” he asks, looking up as Johnny settles and Johnny smiles back.

“I’m okay, hyung,” he promises.

“Your mom was worried. You talked yesterday, right?”

“Yeah, I called her. I’m feeling a lot better now,” Johnny says and it’s true. It’s been an awful few days, but with Taeyong leaving the hospital and a week off on the immediate horizon, things are looking up.

“That’s good,” Hyunjoon-hyung says. “It’s been a rough few days. You know I’m here if you want to talk.”

“I do, hyung. Promise. But don’t you have enough fires to be putting out, though?” Johnny teases.

“I do. But my priority is always you lot. That’s my job,” he smiles with an amused huff.

And it _is_.

They currently have four managers in Korea and more for when they’re overseas. Four managers to deal with everything from album production, media and promotions to everyday life.

But Manager Hyunjoon-hyung is their _personal_ manager. He is the point of call between the group and _everyone_ else, the same way Taeyong as their leader is the connection between them and Hyunjoon-hyung.

Everybody has to get through Hyunjoon-hyung to get to them, every manager and PD and schedule.

If Hyunjoon-hyung says to shut something down, it is shut down. He is their first and last word.

And also the first and last to take the blame.

“They’re not being too hard on everyone, right?” Johnny asks, setting his coffee down. “The Directors?”

Hyunjoon-hyung makes a face at his phone and turns the screen dark.

“They’re not happy, no. It’s their job to not be happy. It doesn’t _matter_ that no one is to blame except terrible weather, Risk Management want an explanation and to recoup the losses as quickly as possible. It’s going to be a headache for a while, but there isn’t anything we can do except what we already are. I’m not putting any of you back on a stage until I know you can take it, and even then it’s probably going to be too soon.”

“I bet everyone is hating that.”

“They are. But my job was made very clear to me before all this started; I’m not going to start ignoring that now. If anyone wants to start getting fussy I have a copy of my job description waiting to send right back. It’s _my job_ to take care of you boys, and that’s what I’m doing. No one seems to like what the truth of that matter is though.”

“I knew it was going to be bad.”

“It’s nothing on any of you, Johnny. We’ll all make sure of that. I’ll cop some heat, so will Youngjae and Ari and Jin, but this isn’t going to disappear in a few days, no matter what the Directors want. Even once you’re all back to full health we’re in the middle of scouting choreographers for the next Dream comeback and with Jisung’s shoulder we’re going to have to minimise any strength or floor work. It’s going to ripple out for a while and nobody hates more work than the people who don’t have to do any of it.”

“So, you haven’t slept yet?” Johnny teases, trying to ignore the feeling of dread swirling around in his gut listening to his poor hyung.

He knew this was going to be more than he has seen so far. But he hadn’t realised it was quite so large.

One little slip, and it really all did come tumbling down.

Hyunjoon-hyung laughs, tiredly.

“I’ll be living on coffee for a few more days yet, Johnny. But that’s all right. You’re going to go back to Cheongdam with Taeyong, right? Has someone ordered a car for you?”

Johnny winces. He knew he’d forgotten something.

“I forgot?”

“You’re lucky you have me, Youngho-yah,” Hyunjoon-hyung mutters, picking up his phone again.

Johnny smiles.

“More coffee, hyung?”

“And I’m lucky to have you, too. Yes, yes,” Hyung mutters and holds his cup up for Johnny to take as he shuffles past.

“Yell at Donghyuck and Yuta, will you?” he calls just as Johnny disappears into the kitchen.

“What?” Yuta asks, hearing the last echo of their hyung following Johnny.

“Hyunjoon-hyung is mad at you because you haven’t finished packing,” Johnny says as he sets up the coffee machine again.

Yuta pouts around his breakfast.

“I’ll be done in five,” he mutters with his mouth half full.

Johnny snorts and refills the coffee maker.

“You too, Hyuckie. Nearly time to go,” Johnny says, flashing Donghyuck a smile.

“I’m packed. I just need to change,” Hyuck says as if that doesn’t mean a shower and fifteen minutes worth of bb cream and eyeliner.

“We all need to step up over the next few days. Hyunjoon-hyung has too much work on his hands and we can’t leave it up to him and Doyoung to pick up the slack. We’re all capable of it. Just make sure you’re ready on time, alright?”

“Well, would you look at that, Johnny-hyung is taking charge, Taeyongie will be so proud!”

The comment actually catches Johnny off guard, and he stops still, struck by the truth of it. He _did_ just try to take charge. Tried to fill the gap usually taken up by Taeyong.

After all, it’s _Taeyong_ who makes sure they know where they have to be, and makes sure that they all get there. It’s Taeyong who keeps tracks of time, and how many of them are going where and when and who with.

That they all know what they’re doing and what to avoid.

It’s Taeyong and Doyoung but not _him_.

He tries not to blush but going by Yuta’s delighted cackle he knows he’s not very successful.

“You know they say couples tend to take on the more assertive traits of their partners,” Jaehyun grins, wiggling his eyebrows.

“I hope all of you forget every charger you own,” Johnny scowls and makes a break for the lounge room and their poor Manager the first moment he can.

The sound of them all laughing at him chases him up the stairs as well and back into his and Taeyong’s room.

It’s quieter up here, out of the firing range, and Johnny takes a moment to take a deep breath and try and let go of everything that has just happened.

 _They say couples take on the more assertive traits of their partners -_ Jaehyun’s voice is still echoing in his head and Johnny growls and slumps back onto his bed and shoves Blue over his face to try and drown out his own brain.

 _That_ is a line of thinking he can’t follow right now.

Not when there is so much else going on.

He has to listen to his own stupid advice and stand up to the tasks at hand. He has to help get everyone where they need to go and then get to the hospital and help Yongie back to his parents’ place and then, and _only_ then, can he open pandoras box.

His giant crush on Lee Taeyong just needs to _wait_.

Except it is tired of waiting. _Johnny_ is tired of waiting.

He is tired of waiting and excuses and being scared.

There is so much going on, but there _always is._

There is always practice and recording and filming and planning. Always more meetings and more interviews. More fittings and hair appointments and photoshoots.

It is never ending, ceaseless, without end.

It has always only ever been the people who make this whole charade worth it.

Johnny _likes_ attention, he likes performing, and seeing the joy on people’s faces as they enjoy what he can do.

But it doesn’t take arenas to make that feeling stick. It only takes a handful of people, really.

He’d be just as happy as a clown at children’s birthday parties as he is here, he thinks, sometimes.

He could act in small town theatre companies, maybe. DJ at local bars.

The world of kpop is exciting and he _loves_ it.

But it’s the people that have kept him here despite the absolute insanity of it’s everyday reality. The people and the dream to keep striving upwards are what have made him stay.

Taeyong has been a part of it for so long Johnny doesn’t know what it could possibly be like without him.

He doesn’t _want_ to imagine it.

Just thirty hours without him has been thirty too many.  

He rolls over and stares at the wall of pictures they have arranged around their vanity mirror. There are nearly a dozen bottles and creams arranged in two straight lines across the front of the mirror and more jewellery than either of them know what to do with.

They have never had much room in here, but they have always enjoyed bringing as much life to is as they can and for Johnny that has always been pictures.

Every member stares back at him from a different memory arranged around the mirror, a different time and place. Their families, their friends, their managers and hyungs. Each one of the kids is up there, some smaller and squishier than others.

Johnny enjoys those pictures the most.

There’s one of Xuxi and Jungwoo with black hair and bright grins from the days they had first started practicing ‘ _Boss_ ’. One of Doyoung and Taeyongie together, partners in crime, staring at the camera in disdain. One of Jaehyunie and Taeil and even Hansol.

Handfuls of past memories.

The old dance line. The original Dream. The Seventh Sense. SR15B.

The first NCT.

The picture is old and a little out of focus, taken on someone’s old phone the day they had all first become NCT. Taken in the conference room they had spent hours in, discussing the plans for the first year of the band and everything that was going to come after.

Johnny can still remember the excitement of that moment, and all the dread that had come later.

Picture-Johnny has his arm around Ten.

Back then they were still starting out, he and Tennie. They were teenage boys playing at love and having no idea what they were doing.

He hopes they can do it better this time.

They both deserve it.

Taeyong too.

Taeyong, who is standing next to Ten in that photograph on the other side of the room, smiling out at a future maybe only he could see.

“Time to get up and at it, Yongie. See you soon,” Johnny says, feeling awake and alive again in that moment.

Invigorated, as he stares back at a boy with brown hair and a shy, excited smile.

Downstairs is just as chaotic as he had left it.

Perhaps worse.

Doyoung looks like he’s about to start pulling out his hair.

It makes Johnny happier than it probably should.

Out of all of them, Taeil looks the calmest, though Johnny expects nothing less. Anything their eldest forgets his family is close enough to come and pick up if need be.

Jaehyun, too, isn’t fussed either, but everyone else is a flurry of disarray.

Yuta is still only half packed ten minutes before he has to leave but he doesn’t seem particularly fazed once they start hugging each other goodbye.

Hyuck is pouting again when he comes to Johnny for his goodbye hug, and Johnny lets him hold on for as long as he wants, stroking the boys’ hair.

“Be good,” he murmurs, softly. “And if you can’t be good be great.”

“Promise,” Hyuckie replies and it makes Johnny grin.

“Off you go, before Manager-hyung loses his hair,” he says, pushing Hyuck towards the car.

The Korean kids follow in similar fashion, but with a lot less tension with their herding managers, having more time than anyone flying out.

Taeil moves entirely at his own pace, as does Doyoung not long after the international kids drive off, leaving only Mark, Jaehyun and Johnny in the 127 dorm and Johnny doesn’t have long before he has to head off too.

With Jaehyun’s home just half an hour away Johnny tries not to feel _too_ awful leaving Jae to keep Mark distracted by himself. Thankfully, Mark’s mother is set to arrive around lunchtime and had organised for her and Mark to stay in a hotel outside of Seoul for the week, which the poor kid sorely needs.

So he doesn’t have to worry for too long.

The dorms haven’t been so quiet for months and it makes Johnny feel a little solemn as he goes back to his room to finish collecting his stuff.

It had been something Johnny had been intimately familiar with, once upon a time. With his old life so far away, there had always been a few days a year where the dorms had whittled down to only those who simply _couldn’t_ leave.

He had been lucky, in the beginning, purely by the fact he only spent his school holidays in Seoul. Thankfully holidays like Chuseok hadn’t been soured by spending them alone, with nowhere to go, and no family to celebrate with.

Luckily, the time he moved to Korea permanently had perfectly coincided with the arrival of Taeyong at the SM Dorms and Taeyong had given him a long-standing invitation that he was always welcome at home with him.

Listening to the emptiness of the 127 dorm, Johnny shivers as the feeling of nostalgia starts creeping up on him and it makes him feel brittle.

So much has changed since then.

But spending his holidays with people he loves here in Korea still hasn’t.

He hasn’t spent too many holidays with Taeyong’s family since he debuted, instead he’s spent some with Jaehyun’s parents and some with Doyoung’s.

He’s actually looking forward to seeing Taeyong’s mom again as he double checks his bag for his wallet and phone charger.

“Make sure you have your SBS ID,” Jaehyun says, leaning on the doorway watching Johnny pack, scaring the life out of him.

Johnny sticks his finger up and him in reply and Jae laughs.

“I’ll be back before then,” Johnny says, turning back to his bed, but he checks his wallet for his backup id first before shoving his lanyard into the side pocket of his backpack anyway.

“I can swing past and pick you up on the way?” he asks, glancing back at Jae.

“Yeah, I don’t think you’re gonna have time,” Jae chuckles, the inuendo clear in his voice.

“Who have you been talking to, Yuta or Doyoung?” Johnny asks, purposely _not_ looking at his best friend.

“ _Ten_ ,” Jae laughs, and Johnny drops the sweater in his hands and his whole bag slips off the side of his bed and onto his left foot.

Jae’s laughter is bright and bursting and echoes around the house like a bell chime.

Johnny just tries not to swear again and blush at the same time.

“I hate all of you,” he mutters, and Jae’s grin doesn’t falter.

“Sure you do. But seriously, Johnny, I’ll just meet you there. It’s just easier.”

“Alright. What about recording live, any idea what the plan is yet?” Johnny asks.

“Not yet. Only thing Youngjae-hyung said yesterday is that they think its best if we get it out of the way early and then we can prerecord a bunch. Eomma’s not happy that we’re not getting the full week off like everyone else, but she’ll settle down once I’m at home.”

“Let me know if anything changes, will you?” Johnny says, shoving the offending sweater into the top of his backpack.

Jaehyun’s smug grin makes Johnny squirm.

“Sure, but you have to actually _look_ at your phone in order to get any of the information, you know.”

“I will. Yesterday I just hated it. If I looked at it I would have pitched it out the window.”

“God knows you don’t need to buy another one.”

Johnny grins.

“I know. Youngjae-hyung hates me; one of the accountants keeps glaring at him every time he goes near her because she keeps having to write up the expense reports.”

“Just buy a phone case,” Jae says and shuffles out the door.

“I can’t text with them on.”

“Buy a phone case!” Jaehyun shouts again, this time from halfway down the hall.

Johnny grins and double checks his phone for the time before tucking it safely away again.

He knows Jaehyun’s right.

He really _does_ need to buy another case. He just hates how clunky they make everything.

He’s pretty sure he has everything he might want today, and the best thing about making his own schedule means he can set his own time, and so he shoulders his bag and heads down to wait for the car Hyunjoon-hyung has organised for him.

Like always they’re a little early than the usual standby time, and so with a goodbye shout back to Jaehyun and Mark he folds himself into the backseat and they head off.

The trip across town is quiet, and Johnny tries to let himself unwind as they crawl through the morning traffic.

The only thing stopping him from falling asleep is Hyuck, who makes him chuckle when he sends through a picture of Yuta and Sicheng fighting over one last hug at the departures terminal. Unfortunately after that the group chat starts lighting up again like it normally does when they’re separated and Johnny has to mute it again.

Not that he doesn’t appreciate it for what it is.

The more small moments of normalcy that start peeking out from under the gloomy cloud since the Concert, the happier Johnny is, and it’s distraction enough he doesn’t even notice the rest of the trip until they’re pulling into the hospital drop off bay and it’s his time to go.

He knows his way up to the room, this time, and instead of waiting for the lift he chooses to take the stairs to try and shake off some of his excess energy.

He makes it up to the fourth floor and down the hall without a worry, and by then he can’t help the skip in his step as he approaches Taeyong’s room, his heart beating a little faster in excitement.

He knocks softly and waits until he gets an okay to enter.

Taeyong isn’t alone, not that he expects him to be. His mother is back in the chair next to his bed and her face breaks into an enormous smile Johnny is intimately familiar with.

“Youngho-yah!” she laughs and gets up to meet him, arms out-stretched to pull him into a hug. He has to bend down to meet her but there is nothing quite like a mothers’ hug, Johnny thinks, as he holds on.

Eomma Lee might not be _his_ mother, but she makes him remember the feeling of his own. Eomma Lee always makes him feel welcome, no matter how long it’s been since he has been able to go with Yongie for dinner at home.

They used to go all the time as Trainees.

He misses her kimchi stew.

“You’ve grown so much taller since I last saw you, Youngho-yah,” Eomma Lee says, brushing imaginary dirt off his cheeks and smoothing his hair.

Johnny just grins and enjoys it.

“Only a little, promise,” he says, glancing over at Taeyong, who is sitting on the edge of his bed grinning at the display going on in front of him.

“My Yongie says you’re going to come back home with us. You’ll be staying, yes? For dinner?”

“If I’ll still fit,” he teases, and she scoffs.

“I’ll make room. Now, let me go and see what is going on today, hmm? I’ll let you to boys say hello.”

She presses a kiss to Taeyong’s hair, hands gentle on his cheeks, before she goes. Taeyong watches her the whole time she’s still in the room, wearing a soft smile that makes Johnny’s heart thump a little harder.

He’s seen that look before.

He shuffles over and sits down on the bed gingerly. Taeyong turns his whole focus on Johnny then, and the power of it is something he never quite gets over.

Taeyong can make anyone feel like the only person in the world while standing in the middle of a crowded room, and it never ceases to make Johnny feel small.

It makes him feel small and cherished and important.

“You’re looking better this morning,” he says, reaching out before he can second guess himself and brushing a wayward lock of Taeyong’s hair back into place.

Taeyong’s soft expression doesn’t change the whole time.

“I feel better,” he nods. “Not 100%, but definitely better.”

“There’s no rush.”

“Not anymore. Doyoungie said they’ve cancelled the Showcase?”

“Yeah. I don’t think anyone is too upset. The album is still coming out as planned. We all just want you back and 100% again.”

“What about you? I wasn’t sure. I thought I asked when you came to see me, but I don’t remember properly. You’re okay? You didn’t get hurt?”

Taeyong looks small, his expression one of wounded concern.

“I’m okay. I’ve had worse from the kids jumping all over me,” he promises. Taeyong looks relieved and something in Johnny’s chest thumps.

“That’s good. Tennie was worried, though. You were quiet yesterday.”

“Sounds like you were conspiring.”

“I was lonely. And I was worried.”

“Well, so was I. Getting you out of here will make things a hell of a lot easier, Yongie. Promise. I hate seeing you in here.”

Taeyong reaches out and takes one of Johnny’s hands in both of his. His skin is cold, but his grip is gentle and Johnny watches as Taeyong bites his lip and just stares down at their joined hands for a long moment.

“I watched the video,” he admits and Johnny’s stomach jolts.

“What?”

“From the concert. I watched the video.”

“Yong – I – “

“I’m sorry I scared you,” he says, softly. It’s a tremulous thing. Taeyong looks up from their joined hands and Johnny freezes under his heady gaze. His eyes are dark and round, filled with concern. It makes Johnny feel exposed in a way he doesn’t know how to process.

“You fell,” he swallows, looking away from Taeyong straight at the half-wall, half-window right in front of him. The words feel stupid in the open air and he hates that he’s said them.

But Taeyong has seen what Johnny still hasn’t. He doesn’t know how he reacted. He doesn’t remember except trying to hold on when Taeyong went limp.

“I’m okay,” Taeyong says, still holding onto Johnny’s hand.

“I’m _okay_ , Johnny.”

“I know, I just – “ he doesn’t get much further than that when there is a knock on the door and Taeyong’s mom comes back in.

Johnny coughs and tries to push aside all the emotions currently running through him but he’s now sure how successful he is. Taeyong’s mom doesn’t blink an eye.

Yongie, on the other hand, slumps over Johnny’s shoulder, chin resting in the crux of Johnny’s neck as his mom crosses the room and sits down in the empty chair opposite them.

“The nurses say that we have one more check to go, darling, and then we can go home.”

“Is Sunhi still coming over?” Taeyong asks and his mom shakes her head.

“Not today. Tomorrow, maybe. Dohyun has dance practice today, and she wants to keep his schedule going.”

“He’s dancing?” Johnny asks, lighting up.

“Oh yes, he loves watching our Yongie on the television and dancing along. It’s very sweet,” Eomma Lee says, looking incredibly proud as any grandmother can.

Johnny glances at Taeyong who avoids his gaze and makes a kitten sound as he hides his face in Johnny’s neck again.

“You’ll have to send me a video next time,” Johnny grins at Eomma Lee and she laughs and claps her hands.

“Oh, of course!”

Taeyong groans in protest again at that and Johnny chuckles, patting Yongie on the knee in consolation.

He still feels a little unsettled and having Taeyong pressed so close is the only thing that settles the mounting rise of anxiety threatening to climb up out of the back of his head.

He hasn’t thought much about the actual fall since the hospital waiting room.

He certainly doesn’t want to start thinking about it again now.

Thankfully, there is too much going on all the time to fixate on too much for too long these days.

He doesn’t know how he can choose to dwell on the feeling of Taeyong falling when he can focus on the feel of him here, now, clutching at Johnny like he is the one who is going to fade away.

Maybe Doyoung was right, maybe Taeyong falling really has been the catalyst they’ve needed to stop being so stupid.

Johnny smiles and reaches out to play with Taeyong’s fingers, and a thrill runs through him when Yongie reaches back.

Eomma Lee just smiles and Johnny tries to ignore her and the niggling thoughts that he is doing this to her son right in front of her.

Maybe the members aren’t the only one two steps ahead of Johnny these days.

Eugh.

It’s not long before a nurse knocks at the door and comes in with a folder full of paper in the crook of her arm and a smile on her face.

Johnny doesn’t like having to let go of Taeyong right then, and by the groaning and dramatic movements from the invalid himself, Yongie doesn’t like it either.

It’s not much.

Considering how awful that night had been, how confused and weak and in pain Taeyong had been, a day in the hospital results in checking on his concussion symptoms, a prescription for muscle relaxants and anti-inflammatories for his back and a strong warning to avoid all strenuous exercise for at least a month and to follow up with his personal physician.

 _That_ doesn’t sit well with Taeyong, everyone knew already from the moment it happened that the follow up is always going to be Yongie’s problem area.

Johnny can see how impudent he’s already being from the giant pout he’s wearing the whole time they’re collecting the last of his things.

Johnny has to fight not to laugh at him.

It’s the worst thing, really, how impossibly cute Taeyong is.

Thankfully the nurses don’t seem to be wrapped quite so tightly around his finger the way they all had been with Jaemin. Taeyong isn’t going to get out of anything with a cute flutter of his lashes and a pout.

Though Johnny might not be quite so strong against a similar onslaught.

He takes the two bags from Eomma Lee before she can argue once they’re cleared to leave, and follows happily, as they finally bid goodbye.

Despite the bounce back of his happy personality, it’s pretty clear on the walk down to the cars that Taeyong isn’t anywhere near as close to full health as he was pretending.

Johnny has seen him injured before, much to his despair. Taeyong has always pushed himself hard with his dancing, and it’s paid off a thousand-fold. But it’s also reaped far more rewards than any of them like.

He limps way too often and carries pain patches everywhere he goes. He gets quiet and tired easily when his back aches, and the younger members call him grandpa.

This is like that, only more. Only worse.

He’s limping and dragging his feet before they reach the car. His breathing hitches and he seems to crumple in on himself in the backseat when his mom opens the door for him.

Johnny feels worry creeping all over him. He hates this. He hates it so much.

Eomma Lee stops him as he puts the two bags into the boot.

“He’s okay, my darling. It’s all right.”

Johnny nods and tries to believe her.

It’s hard.

But it gets easier when Taeyong smiles at him.

He settles into the back seat next to Taeyong and thanks Eomma Lee when she moves the front seat up a little to give him more leg room.

Yongie slumps sideways again to rest his head on Johnny’s shoulder.

“You’re comfy,” he says, like he can read Johnny’s mind.

Johnny grins and hides his smile in Taeyong’s hair.

“You need a shower,” he teases and laughs at Taeyong’s cry of outrage.

He perks up a lot on the drive back, and wilts again only on the pained shuffle into the house.

Which is enough to settle Johnny’s worry a lot more than he thought it might.

If he’s only in pain when he’s moving about, then that is something Johnny can fix.

If the warnings to keep away from exercise weren’t so blatantly there for good reason, then he might have ended up being more liberal with the rule breaking that is sure to come.

Thankfully, its pretty clear that Taeyong’s body can’t handle a short walk without wearing him out, and that taking things slowly is going to be an easy feat for anyone keeping an eye on Taeyong during his recovery.

Whatever short cuts the Directors and Managers were going to try and crowbar to get their schedule back up and running were now completely and irrevocably out of consideration.

Johnny doesn’t have a lot of power as far as SM goes.

But he knows plenty of people who _do_.

And he’s happy to use them.

Falling from a height onto his back was always going to have consequences, and while Johnny has been promised Taeyong’s are mild, it helps that he can see them.

It helps that Taeyong doesn’t seem consumed by them.

Instead he’s too busy sulking for Johnny’s mischief in the car by the time they get back, and Johnny just has to stand back and try not to laugh as Yong tries to march back into the house in a huff, except he has to shuffle-limp the whole way.

“Where are you off to in such a rush?” he teases as Taeyong hurries towards the house.

“I’m going to go find someone who doesn’t tell me I _smell_ ,” he whines.

Eomma Lee knows exactly who Taeyong is talking about too, and she stops and stands with Johnny to watch as he opens the door to a tiny dog jumping up on her hind legs and whining back at him.

“Ruby! Hello, hello, hello. Yes, I missed you!” Taeyong starts cooing as he struggles to bend down and pick her up.

“You know dogs like stinky things, right?” Johnny grins as he picks up Taeyong and Eomma Lee’s bags again and indulges in the sound of Yong’s mom’s bright laughter and Taeyong’s outrage.

Johnny doesn’t see Taeyong for a good half an hour after that, but he hears him talking to the dog as he settles into the kitchen and goes through finding something good to order for lunch while Taeyong has a shower and his mother nags at him to put down the dog.

Johnny knows the moment Eomma Lee wins when Ruby comes running in search of him and he happily picks her up and gives her as many kisses as she wants.

Ruby has been one of the things even Johnny has missed about not coming here too often. He misses not having a dog, and he hates that Sehun is an ass who keeps rubbing it in that they can’t have one until things actually calm down.

And with a World Tour on the cards for next year, indulging in Ruby kisses is about as close as Johnny is going to get.

Sehun had to wait four years to get Vivi, Johnny can wait that long too.

Maybe.

At least he’s not plotting about smuggling in a turtle like Taeyong does when he’s bored.

By the time Taeyong emerges again, Johnny and Eomma Lee have settled on ordering tteokbokki and fried chicken and are making Ruby work for treats while they wait for it to arrive.

Taeyong slumps over to them looking soft but still mildly annoyed, like a wet kitten caught in the rain.

It makes Johnny’s heart beat incredibly fast and he has to fight not to fawn over him in a bid to hide his own embarrassment like he normally does.

Thankfully Taeyong is too worn out to notice, really.

He’s too worn out for much at all.

They eat talking quietly, and the conversation drifts mostly in Johnny’s direction as he answers Eomma Lee’s questions about Chicago and Johnny’s own mom.

It had been a surprise, once upon a time, when he had learned Eomma Lee and his mom had been talking amongst themselves sometimes.

It had made sense, in the end.

They were two mothers of children embarking on something enormous together, and Eomma Lee was in Seoul, and Johnny’s mom had been worrying ever since he’d left Chicago for good.

“You can’t go home, Youngho? You have this week off, yes? Like the others.”

Johnny sighs, and tries to push down the spark of disappointment again he has very thoroughly Not Thought About yet.

He’s used to it, worst of all.

He’s used to the question and always having to say no, _no he can’t go home_.

“Mom asked, but it’s a seventeen-hour flight, and we only have the week. I’d spend more time on the planes than at home. In the end mom didn’t think it would be good for me.”

And that had been the truth of it.

They had spent over an hour on the phone and while at the beginning she had asked him to come, by the end she had told him to stay.

It had hurt to hear, and it still stings now, but no one knows him like his mom, and he trusts her judgement.

She hasn’t lead him wrong so far.

“You will just have to spend lots of time here, then. So I can take care of you. Yongie will need company too. Otherwise all he will do is play games.”

“He does that at the dorm too,” Johnny says around a mouthful of food and enjoying Taeyong’s squawk of protest.

“Lee Taeyong-ah!” his mom scolds and Taeyong flashes Johnny a sour look and starts pouting again.

“You need to go and lay down again, you’re looking peaky,” Eomma Lee says, after a minute of watching Taeyong poke at his half-eaten bowl of teokbokki around with his chopsticks.

Taeyong doesn’t fight it, and Johnny gets up to help clear up the mess when she herds him away with her apron.

“No! Off with you. Go!” Johnny laughs and bows before following after Taeyong up towards his bedroom.

It’s the same as when Johnny was here last, whenever that was.

It’s quiet and small and painfully well organised, but it’s still eerily familiar to the room Johnny shares with him now.

There is the same air to it, the same feeling.

He smiles as he watches Taeyong shuffle over to his bed and slump down on it like a marionette with his strings cut. He just watches as Yongie arranges himself happily and then pats the empty spot he’s left for Johnny to fill.

It’s cramped, but they’re used to it by now. It’s only in hotel rooms where they get more space than this, and even then they don’t tend to use it much.

“You okay?” Johnny asks, whisper quiet as they settle down, breaths syncing as they embrace the quiet. Even Ruby hasn’t followed them up here, instead choosing to chase Eomma Lee around for scraps.

“Mmm,” Taeyong replies, eyes closed and undried hair spilling over his eyes.

Johnny’s heart hurts.

He just wants to kiss him.

In every moment they’ve ever had like this, Johnny just wants to kiss him.

“Words please,” he says and Taeyong groan-giggles, one sound leading into the other without a pause.

He blinks slowly and opens his eyes.

“I’m tired. But okay. Walking around sucks. Breathing sucks. Everything sucks.”

“Can I do anything?”

“No. Just – just this.”

“Good.”

“You’re okay, though. Right? I know I keep asking. I just. I worry.”

“I know. And I… am. I’m… We could _all_ be doing better. Obviously.”

He trails off for a moment and then clears his throat, trying to pull all his thoughts back together again, a Herculean task that he can only accomplish to the feeling of Taeyong’s thumb running back and forth across his stomach.

“It wasn’t small, you know. We _all_ went down. Everyone fell except Lucas. I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t. It was awful, Yongie. You fell, off _me_ , and we didn’t know how bad it was. And then, yesterday… Yesterday I still didn’t know what to do. I failed Mark and Donghyuck. I’m their hyung and I left them alone for hours. And I don’t even remember what happened to them at the Concert. I just zeroed in on you. Nothing else mattered.”

“I’m sorry.”

“But you shouldn’t be,” he says, turning his head to look Taeyong in the eyes, searching for something there he doesn’t know how to name.

“You don’t need to be sorry. I should be. I’m your _base_ , Taeyong. You’re meant to be safe up there.”

“It was an accident, Johnny. You know that. I know that.”

“I know! But it doesn’t feel that way. It feels like I failed you.”

The words fizzle out on his tongue and he has to shut his eyes tight in a bid to fight the urge to cry.

Taeyong shuffles so he can pull himself tighter around Johnny and he instinctively wraps his arm around Yongie’s waist.

“You didn’t fail me. You didn’t fail Mark or Hyuck. You’ve been taking care of them. I know you have. They _told me_. Mark needed every word you gave him yesterday. And he wouldn’t have believed it from anyone else either. You’ve done so well, Youngho. For them and for me.”

“I’m so glad you’re okay. I need you to be okay, Yongie,” he whispers, chest tight and hands shaky.

Taeyong holds him tighter.

“I am. All it’s gonna take is time.”

They fall quiet not long after that, and while Yongie is the first to fall asleep, Johnny knows he wont be long to follow him.

Not when he’s exhausted from talking and everything else in the entire world is far away and it’s just _them_.

This is every reason why he’s fallen so hard. Why he’s spent so long worrying over old feelings for Ten and his new feelings for Taeyong.

Why the idea of being able to have _all of it_ scares him so much.

It is far too precious a thing not to be taken carefully.

Taeyong is a soft weight against him, his breathing slow and steady.

Johnny closes his eyes without thinking and wakes up hours later groggy and over-warm.

Sleepy Taeyong is wriggling in a bid to escape out from underneath him and Johnny giggles at his grunting.

Gosh he’s just too cute.

“Stop it,” Taeyong says and Johnny laughs again, still half-asleep.

“Stop what?”

“Laughing at me.”

“I’m not.”

“You are. Now let me up.”

Johnny groans but rolls to the side and watches through half-lidded eyes as Taeyong shuffle-climbs over the top of him and then trips over his own feet as he tries standing up.

“Shut up,” is the grumpy reply from the floor and Johnny chuckles again.

“Whattime is it?” he slurs around a yawn.

“Not sure. You should check your phone. It was buzzing,” Yongie says stretching out his shoulders and wincing.

Johnny frowns and fumbles for the dreaded thing sitting on Taeyong’s bedside table and swears as it lights up.

He’s awake and annoyed in an instant.

Damnit.

“Eugh. I need to go,” he says, swiping the phone to clear all the notifications.

He’s missed a lot while they were napping.

Taeyong climbs back up onto the bed next to him and looks down at the dreaded thing as well, eyes sad.

“Ennana?” he asks, if only to fill the quiet.

“Yeah. Turns out they’ve decided they want us to prerecord before tonight’s live. Hyunjoon-hyung thinks it’s the best way give us some time off. Record it all today and have someone else fill in the rest of the week. He wants us to field questions about the concert upfront. People have been getting restless over the official announcement.”

Taeyong is quiet for a moment.

“It’s a good plan,” he murmurs. “Hearing you talk will make them feel better. I know it always does for me.”

That startles Johnny and he looks at Taeyong with wide eyes to find him staring back with an earnest expression.

Johnny feels exposed again and coughs, fidgeting.

“I’m glad we could spend today together,” Taeyong says then, and nestles in a little closer, which does nothing for Johnny’s embarrassment, but it actually does a lot for the accompanying panic.

His reflexes do most of the work. There is no way that he can’t hold Taeyong back whenever Taeyong reaches for him. It’s an instinct ingrained in him, now.

“Me too,” he replies, softly, feeling perhaps the most gentle relief he’s ever had.

The whole world feels like it’s just disappeared except for the warmth of his Yongie pressed up against him.

Johnny’s skin tingles with it.

And then the whole world crashes back down again.

They really did sleep all their time away.

Hyunjoon-hyung is calling. Johnny’s devil-phone buzzing with it quietly in his lap.

“Time to go,” he mutters down at the phone as he cancels the call and sends their hyung a message to say that he’ll be outside soon.

Taeyong is pouting but he lets go when Johnny goes to stand up.

“Come back tomorrow?” Taeyong asks, eyes wide in a puppy-dog expression he’s seen a thousand times.

Taeyong knows he’s cute. He knows what his face is capable of doing.

Johnny knows, too.

But he also knows how well he falls for it.

“You’re not sick of me yet?”

“Never,” Yongie affirms.

“Then I’ll see you tomorrow,” Johnny agrees.

The happy beam of Taeyong’s smile is worth the hour long drive a thousand times over.

His phone buzzes in his pocket again.

“Sweet dreams,” he says, leaning down to press a kiss to Taeyong’s forehead.

Yongie goes still, and he looks surprised when Johnny pulls away.

He takes that as his advantage, because he knows if Yongie asks, he’ll stay.

He’ll ignore their manager hyung, and he’ll ignore Jae and Ennana and the world.

Luckily, Taeyong doesn’t know that yet.

But he’ll never give up without a fight.

“Hey, Johnny?” Taeyong calls out and Johnny stops in the doorway and looks back.

He looks small and precious, and the best thing Johnny’s ever seen.

“Play me a song?” he asks; a gentle, quiet request.

His lips are parted in a half-smile and his eyes are deep and dark and Johnny’s heart skips a beat at the sight of him.

He can’t help but grin back.

“Always.”  

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou everyone for reading!  
> I really appreciate it! 
> 
> If you would like to chat, please feel free to bother me on twitter or Curious Cat.  
> I love making new friends and I need more people to talk about how much I love Taeyong with. 
> 
> [Twitter - @CaptainJacq](https://twitter.com/CaptainJacq)  
> [Curious Cat- @CaptainJacq](https://curiouscat.me/CaptainJacq)
> 
> mwah xxx


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny finally gets some of his shit together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this once again took so long. I had most of this done ages ago and then I got super sick for wayyy too long. So I hope the long chapter makes up for it. 
> 
> This chapter too belongs to Mon because she is the best and this just wouldn't happen without her encouragement and advertising hahah

Sitting in the back of the car on his way to the SBS building, Johnny really has to acknowledge the fact that avoiding his phone the last few days has been a stupid idea.

It is full of messages since nearly 1 o’clock asking Johnny if he’s okay to prerecord for tomorrow and Wednesdays episodes before the live stream.

Then messages _telling_ Johnny they’ve agreed to it, from both Jaehyun and Hyunjoon-hyung, and then a deluge of missed calls and texts trying to get his attention for pickup at 6.

The worst thing, Johnny knows, is the fact he missed them because he was _cuddling._

It’s something Yuta and Doyoung and now even _Jaehyun_ can never, ever know, because he will not live it down.

Not that he regrets it.

He really, really doesn’t.

Being able to be with Taeyong without anyone or anything getting in the way has been an amazing way to spend his day. Even if they did spend most of it napping.

Getting the chance to sleep with someone like Taeyong like that is something not a lot of people get to achieve in one lifetime, and Johnny knows it.

He’s spent months daydreaming about things just like that, sharing those last unattainable intimacies, no matter how innocent.

There are so many lines drawn in the sand for them, so many barriers between what is allowed and what is _permitted._

Simply being able to _be_ , to indulge in every tiny whim is so impossibly freeing.

Being able to wrap his arms around Taeyong and hold him close without any outside issue was incredibly relieving and his arms feel empty without him now.

Not that it’s the only thing he wants. Not all his desires are so innocent. He wants to spend _hours_ making out with him and opening him up and finding _every_ single way he can get Taeyong to whine. He wants to find out every sound Taeyong makes, wants to know how he feels, how he _tastes_ , and what it’s like to have him moan Johnny’s name.

He has a list, that has kept him awake more nights than he can count.

It’s extensive and ongoing and the fact that he’s now one step closer, that this whole damn mess may have bridged the gap that his own fear and embarrassment has kept up for so long is both terrifying and hilarious all at once.

But simply being able to hold Taeyong, wrap his arms around him and pull him close, has felt so incredibly freeing that the weight of the last few days seems like an echo of its former self.

He has been so _worried_ , deep down into his bones, and every revelation has only pulled off another layer leaving behind something more deeply ingrained.

He’s been so stressed, after months of training and practicing and building up. They have been waiting for their Japanese debut for almost a year. It has been in production for so long it almost burns to know that it’s been cut off so sharply.

Their album dropped like it had been planned.

The music video came out days ago, and the album dropped the day before, somewhere between Johnny’s first and second breakdown while they were waiting for their turn to see Taeyong.

He hadn’t even realised or remembered, and he hasn’t checked SNS like he normally does after a release.

It’s disappointing considering how much he’s looked forward to this debut.

But it’s too much for him right now, and he knows that they’re doing okay. The feedback after the concert has proved that much.

He doesn’t want the validation he usually does.

He just wants equilibrium again.

He wants this week to be over. This nightmare.

But he knows its barely started.

There is always only more work.

He’s been around the industry long enough to know that by now.

Thankfully it’s always one step at a time. Unlike their poor managers, and even Taeyong, Johnny only ever has one chunk to deal with at a time, and then there is always time in between. It might not be much, but there is always a break between the first and the second, and then the second and the third and it’s the one thing that makes the bad days bearable.

He _only_ has to be on as long as he _has_ to be.

Luckily, Radio has never been quite as taxing as the rest of his idol life can be.

It might just be the golden haze he’s always seen it through, however, after watching his mother for so many years.

But when there was talk going around of ongoing radio work he had been the first to step up to the plate, always pushing and pushing for it.

He’s relieved it’s worked so well. He loves it far too much to let it go without a fight.

Thankfully no one has even suggested taking it off them yet.

The car curls around slowly through the security gate, and Johnny pulls his SBS ID lanyard out of the front pocket of his bag, begrudgingly thanking Jaehyun for reminding him and passing it through to the driver.

They let them in without a fuss. They’re earlier than normal, but regularity only goes so far, even in daily radio.

He’s used to the building being half lit, with only the night crew keeping a handful of floors awake. But arriving this early has the entire building lit up and despite the stress of the last few days, it alights some small happiness inside of him that the idea of anything else certainly hasn’t.

The driver must have alerted Manager Hyunjoon they were incoming, because he’s waiting out the front of the building when the car pulls up and Johnny gulps.

“Whoopsie,” he mutters and the driver chuckles.

“Be brave,” the driver advises and Johnny grins as he climbs out, feeling a little more gangly than normal as he pulls his bag behind him.

“Hey hyung,” he smiles, widely, hoping it works better than he’s expecting.

“You’re lucky you’re cute,” Hyunjoon frowns, waving to the driver as he pulls away before turning back and motioning for Johnny to follow.

“Sorry if I’m late.”

“We still have enough time to get the three recordings done. So you’re not on my bad list yet.”

“I didn’t mean to ignore you.”

“I know, Johnny. It’s why I’m not upset. It’s been a really rough few days and it’s not fair to expect this out of you and Jaehyun. But we need this.”

“I know, hyung. I wasn’t avoiding it on purpose.”

Hyunjoon claps Johnny on the back of the neck in a half-hug and smiles as they wait for the elevator.

“Come on, time to go to work,” he says as the doors open.

The ride up is quiet, and it lets Johnny relax into the familiar feeling, the familiar daily routine.

It still feels odd to be here so early, but he’s done this enough so that by the time they slip around the main corridor down to the pre-recoding studios he feels more like himself, more ready to actually go to work.

Jihoo-Noona spots them from where she is standing outside the studio with a pen between her teeth, frowning at what is no doubt a script for one of their upcoming shows.

Her expressions lightens the moment she looks up and notices them, her face splitting into a smile as she shuffles towards him.

“Johnny-ah!” Jihoo-noona says arms wide for a hug as soon as he’s within hugging distance. Johnny chuckles and bends down to hug her properly.

“I’m so happy you’re okay,” she says giving him a proper squeeze.

“I am, noona, I’m fine.”

“And you saw Taeyong-ssi today, right? Is he doing well?” she asks as he pulls back and she steps back to give him enough room to slip off his bag.

“A bit sore but he’s okay,” Johnny tells her amiably.

“That’s good. That’s good,” she says, catching Hyunjoon’s attention and shuffles her way around him with a motherly-smile leaving Johnny to finally notice Jaehyun being a shit.

Jae is leaning in the doorway of their secondary studio looking low-key smug while he sips loudly out of his water bottle and Johnny immediately hates him.

“Shut up,” he says, pushing past.

“I didn’t say anything,” Jaehyun replies, airily.

It doesn’t take him a beat before he’s sitting down and asks.

“Did you have fun?”

“Shut up, Jae,” Johnny mutters, trying very hard not to look him in the eyes.

He can see Jaehyun smirking in the reflection of the monitor.

He’d thought doing this on his own was hard, but dealing with the others is easily taking precedence.

Thankfully they don’t really have a lot of time to be waiting around, and the first script is ready so they start recording pretty much straight away.

The first episode is a blur. It’s as generic as it comes, really. They mostly stick to the script and its shorter than it would normally be and painfully formulaic.  

It’s what they do, sometimes, slipping in more songs than they would for a live stream and no one questions Johnny’s extra choices. No one complains, and considering the state of their fan SNS Johnny isn’t expecting much of a backlash.

They take a break for dinner between the first and second recordings, and get to sit around quietly poking at their delivery samgyeopsal.

The second recording doesn’t take much longer than the first, but Johnny can feel himself lagging a little in the second half, and the knowledge that they still have to go _live_ at 11pm makes him feel exhausted right through to his bones.

He misses Taeyong.

And he knows he’s far less subtle about slipping in his song choice for the second night than he was for the first, and Jaehyun definitely notices this time.

 He doesn’t say anything and Johnny waits while they’re on standby for final edits for him to poke fun, but Jaehyun stays quiet and content while they wait.

It’s all Johnny could really ask for, the decorum to keep his teasing off air. Most of them do. Yuta’s really the only one who likes airing dirty laundry during vlives and interviews but only when he’s really pissy.

They get the all clear a few moments later and Johnny makes a break for it while Jaehyun disappears towards the bathrooms.

Luckily, they have a far longer stretch to wait between the two pre-recordings and 11pm when they go live and he desperately needs the time to chill for a moment. He slips down the hallway and lays claim to an entire couch, laying out fully on with his feet resting on the opposite arm rest and his head tucked up on the always accumulating throw pillows.

He pulls out his phone and is just checking in with how Yuta’s flight went when Jae finally approaches and sits himself over the top of Johnny’s legs. Johnny lets him, not moving at all and letting him be the annoyance he’d clearly intended to be.

“How was Mark?” he asks before Jae decides what he’s going to say, staring fixedly on his phone as he types.

> **JYANI**  
>  _Sent 09:37pm_  
>  Save me, Jae is  
>  meddling
> 
>  
> 
> **YUSUKAAA**  
>  _Received 09:37pm_  
>  if you haven’t  
>  kissed TY yet then  
>  you definitely  
>  deserve it
> 
>  
> 
> **JYANI**  
>  _Sent: 09:38_  
>  traitor

 

“Good,” Jaehyun finally drawls, watching Johnny carefully, clearly disappointed his quiet demands for attention haven’t been met immediately. “I always forget how much he looks like his mom, it’s really cute. She said I looked handsome. Asked how we were all doing. How Doyoung was going.”

“Ahaha, she wanted Doyoung,” Johnny laughs.

“She did not.”

“She did. She likes Doyoung better than you.”

“ _Everyone’s_ moms’ like Doyoung better. The only one he hasn’t corrupted is my grandma,” Jaehyun bemoans.

“He’ll get there. He was talking to her a couple of weeks ago.”

“About what?” Jae squawks, eyebrows furrowed and that is something Johnny can’t miss.

He smirks as he picks up his phone and casually types out a message while Jaehyun waits for his answer.

> **Sensitive Bunny**  
>  __Sent: 09:41  
>  If jae asks tell him  
>  u talked to his  
>  grandma last  
>  week
> 
> **Sensitive Bunny**  
>  _Received: 09:41_  
>  But I did? I call her all  
>  the time

Johnny chuckles again and swaps out of Doyoung’s chat before Jae can get too curious and start snooping. He’s clearly close, with his eyebrows scrunched up, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth.

“You know. Doyoung things. He probably has more pictures of you in nappies now.”

“I don’t know how he gets them. He has _everyone’s._ ”

“He talks to everyone’s _mom_ , Jae. He calls them more than we do. Of course they’re going to give him what he wants.”

“I don’t even know what he wants them _for,_ ” Jaehyun mutters.

“Blackmail,” Johnny shrugs, out of everyone at the dorm he’s only ever more worried about Taeil and his tricks than Doyoung and his mothering.

“He’s never used them.”

“He brings them out on Vlive. Hyuck was moaning about it.”

Jaehyun groans, throwing his head back, eyes closed and resting against the back of the couch for a moment before turning to look straight at Johnny.

“So. I let it slide before, but how is Tyong?”

“Better than I was expecting,” Johnny admits, letting his phone slip between his fingers onto his chest.

“He’s gonna be a pain when they let him back to practice,” Jaehyun hums fiddling with a loose thread on his ripped jeans.

“Its gonna suck loooong before then,” Johnny says with a frown, remembering the pained look on Taeyong’s face in the back of the car. “He could barely make it down to the cars from his room before it wore him out. It’s gonna take a while before he’s back properly and he’s going to fight it the whole way.”

“Ahhh Shit,” Jaehyun swears peering up at the roof again before flopping his head back down to look at Johnny again.

“Have you told Doyoungie that?”

“No?” Johnny replies, scrunching his face up as he realises what Jaehyun is implying.

“You should get on that.”

“I think it’s going to need to be a team effort, Jae.”

“Lead by our victorious TY wranglers.”

“We’re not wranglers.”

“You’re the only two people he listens to when he’s being pigheaded.”

“He listens to Taeil, too!” Johnny pouts.

Jaehyun laughs.

“Since when? Taeil has the backbone of a paper crane.”

“What does that even mean?”

“It means you’re soft. Look, Taeyong loves him, I’m not denying that for a second. But he doesn’t _talk_ to Taeil. He mopes on Taeil. He distracts himself with Taeil. He _relies_ on Taeil. But he _talks_ to you. And he talks to _Doyoung._ You two are the ones who he finds when he’s upset or he feels like he doesn’t know what he’s doing. You two are the only ones he’s going to listen to.”

Johnny frowns and picks up his phone again, purely so he doesn’t have to look Jaehyun in the face.

“Fine. I’ll talk to Doyoung in the morning.”

“You should call him while we have the chance.”

“A few hours isn’t going to change anything. Besides, once he knows my vacation is _over_ and it hasn’t even started yet.”

There is a quiet lull between them for a long moment where Jaehyun seems to gather his ammunition for a full-on assault, lips quirked in certain victory.

“So, did you get shy because Taeyong’s mom was in the next room, or?” Jaehyun says, wiggling his eyebrows and Johnny reaches out to thump him.

“Why are you all like this?” Johnny groans, pushing himself up into a sitting position using Jaehyun’s laughing figure as a wall to push him against.

“Ow ow, ow, okay, okay,” Jae laughs, crawling as far out of range of Johnny’s feet as he can get.

“We just want something to happen, Johnny. Promise. You’re driving us all nuts. Taeyong looks like a betrayed cat every time you turn your back and he has a few moments to stare at you.”

“He does not.”

“He does it _all the time._ Doyoung is about ready to push him in traffic.”

“It’s not that simple, Jae.”

“We know. We _know_ , Johnny. Anyone with eyes can see what you and Ten and Taeyong are doing. But you’re just dragging it out. _Talk to them. Both_ of them. Get it all out. Nothing is going to get in your way. It’s right there for the taking.”

“It’s not, Jae, and I – “ he fumbles, his tongue feeling thick in his mouth all of a sudden when Hyunjoon-hyung suddenly comes around the corner looking for them and puts an immediate stop to Jaehyun’s exasperation.

“There you are,” Hyunjoon smiles and perches himself down on the couch, tucking his phone in his front pocket.

“Everything okay, hyung?” Jaehyun asks.

“It’s fine. I just wanted to check in with you two, this is a lot to ask from you two today when everyone else has the time off.”

Johnny stays quiet, letting the focus still fall on Jaehyun who shoots their poor hyung a smile.

“It’s alright. I know they couldn’t get anyone to cover the whole week. A few extra hours is nothing. And at least we’re not on a plane like the others.”

Hyunjoon glances Johnny’s way and he smiles.

“It’s alright, hyung,” Johnny agrees.

“I’m glad you two are handling it better than the producers are,” Hyunjoon says with a grin. Johnny snorts.

“So, what have you got for us?” Jaehyun says, slumping over their hyung’s shoulder to pry at the scripts he’s got in his lap.

“Enough of that,” Hyunjoon swats Jae’s hands away.

“We’ve been looking through the SNS channels and have selected a handful of letters and questions about the concert to answer. Things _might_ change once we’re live and Jihoo starts looking through the live chat, but we’d like for you to stick to the scripted answers as much as possible. We’ve also got a message from both Taeyong and Yuta for you to read. We don’t want to focus everything on the accident, we have the new album to talk about as well, so, just like the others we’re going to push that as much as we can. This live is about letting the public know things are okay. That Taeyong and Yuta and the kids are doing well. It’s going to be the focus of the live whether we want it to be or not, so we’re going to address everything just enough that it puts things to rest, sound okay?”

Hyunjoon looks at each of them for a long moment, as if trying to read whether they’ve understood or not. He doesn’t look particularly concerned.  

“Alright, hyung. We’ve got this,” Johnny says, following Jaehyun’s example and leaning onto their hyung’s shoulder. Hyunjoon smiles wryly and pats them both awkwardly wherever he can reach. Conveniently on the side of their faces.  

“Alright, there’s still an hour or so to go, so get some rest and have a look over these. Same as usual.”

“We’ve got it, hyung,” Jaehyun smiles and takes the scripts as offered.

Hyunjoon gets up and wanders back towards the recording booth, his job never over.

Jaehyun’s expression falls the moment their manager is out of range and he slumps in on himself.

“Johnny, hyung, I’m sorry. I’m not pushing this to be cruel. I – we just all saw the way you looked that night. At the hospital. None of us want you to look like that again. He’s right there, hyung. They both are. Anyone with eyes can see how much Ten loves you. He always has. And Taeyong is just too scared to make the first move. He needs you to do it.”

“I know,” Johnny murmurs, feeling shy and brittle and _tired._

“I’m working on it, okay? Can you all just let me do this my way?” he says, the words feeling like rocks in his mouth.

“Okay. I’ll tell the others to back off, alright? I just – we’re on your team, Johnny. Everyone wants this for you. You and T2.”

Johnny smiles and claps Jaehyun on the back, prying himself off the couch slowly.

“I’m gonna go get some air,” he says, throwing Jaehyun a little smile as he wanders back towards the elevators and taking the first one to open right to the top floor.

There’s no open rooftop the way there was everywhere in Chicago. There aren’t a lot of places that even allow open balconies and easily accessible rooftops taller than 2 stories, but a quiet corridor with a row of half open windows gives a similar sort of feeling.

Going down to the ground floor would probably be too much, right now anyway. It’s times like this fan sites get a little crazy and he’s not really willing to risk a full spread on Dispatch’s website for a few moments of quiet and a nice breeze. He folds his arms awkwardly on the edge of one of the windows and tucks his head down to enjoy the air for a moment.

He knows Jaehyun was only doing what he would do in the exact same situation. He’s an extrovert by nature and he enjoys doing whatever it takes to crack a smile and make laughter ring out. He mocks and teases and pokes more than most and it would be hypocritical of him to be properly irritated by it.

He’s not.

He’s more irritated by his own reaction. Because they’re right, he knows about Taeyong and he knows about Ten. About how Ten feels, he’s _always_ known how Ten feels.

They used to whisper it to each other, tucked in backwards corners at the Coex building while they were Rookies, hiding behind stacks of chairs in the artist hallways to make out desperately, locking themselves in bathrooms at airports and shower stalls at the gym.

Ten used to wear this cherry gloss his sister bought for him for his birthday and Johnny had spent almost six months with the taste of it on his tongue and he had _loved it._

They had learned how to style their hair in a mad rush to fix whatever mess the other had done to their noona’s work, and they had gotten okay at it for a while.

It was only ever small, only ever a timid, desperate thing because back then things hadn’t been certain. Neither of them had signed their NCT contracts and neither of them knew what was coming next.

They had been told, the same way they all had, what the plans for them all were, the plans for NCT and the subunits and the long string of debuts. But Johnny had seen too many people come and go to believe it until his own contracts had been signed and sealed and delivered.

Part of him can’t believe how lucky they were nothing had come of it, that no one had found them. It would have been a scandal neither of them could have bounced back from.

Taeyong had barely bounced back from his, and that had been luck and a long quiet few months where their poor leader was too scared to step at all out of line. He was solemn and silent and scared, over a mistake he had made as a child blown completely out of proportion by angry knets and the media and anyone willing to pull SM’s new boygroup apart before it had even started.

Johnny can barely imagine what would have happened if two of the popular SM Rookies had been found sucking each other off in an unused greenroom.

They had been more careful afterwards, after Ten had debuted.

There simply hadn’t been a lot of time. That had been most of it.

It had been the first moments where their relationship had really felt the strain of idol life.

It had lasted nearly nine months after that, before fizzling out into nothing but a comfortable old friendship and a wary tension they didn’t name.

Johnny’s not actually sure who knows he and Ten were a thing, and how many know how much of a thing they were trying to be.

They were grasping at some semblance of _fucking around_ meets _indescribable crush_ to the point where Johnny’s not sure himself. He’s always thought of it as a relationship. They were together, filled with teenage lust and desperation and some form of puppy love. No one had ever been like Ten and no one still is. He is altogether entirely himself and it is a wonderful thing.

Ten’s smile makes his stomach jolt, his laughter gives him goosebumps.

Ten is an infatuation, an indescribable joy, that hasn’t gone away no matter how much time they have stretched between each other.

Johnny still knows his number off by heart, no matter how many times they have to change it.

He closes his eyes and lets it ring and ring until Tennie answers and when he does the world slips silently back into focus.

“Hey,” he croaks and listens to Ten sigh.

“Hey Johnny, where are you? I was going to come by the dorm but I wasn’t sure – “

“I’m at Ennana.”

“This early?” he asks, sounding surprised.

“We were pre-recording.”  

“Are you coming home?”

“Not yet,” Johnny sighs, standing up properly to avoid the growing crick in his neck and to look out over the glowing lights of Seoul.

It’s beautiful.

“We still have to go live.”

“Oh. Are you okay?” Ten asks, softly, tentatively. Johnny smiles.

“Yeah, I’m tired, Tennie. Just tired. I miss you.”

“Oh. So it’s _that_ sort of call, huh?”

“No. Yes. Maybe?”

“You sound sure of yourself.”

“I’m not. I’m really not. But I think we need to talk. Can I come over?”

Ten is silent for a moment and Johnny’s heart thuds painfully in his chest.

“Of course you can.”

“You should have gone home, Tennie.”

“I couldn’t. You know I couldn’t. Taeyong needs me here. So do you.”

“I do,” he says, listening intently through the tiny speaker like a lifeline.

“You don’t sound like yourself. You should go find Jaehyun,” Ten says, sounding a little concerned. Johnny snorts.

“I don’t want to.”

“Why not? Aren’t you two attached at the hip? Fulfilling masculine quota’s, attending sports events, wearing hats backwards.”

“You have never sounded gayer in your life,” Johnny chuckles and Ten brightens.

“Oh good!” he giggles and Johnny smiles, staring at his reflection in the glass.

“I should go. Someone will come looking soon enough.”

“You absconded?!”

“I yelled at Jae and came upstairs to sulk.”

“Oh dear, it really is trouble in bro-adice.”

“You should stop while you’re ahead,” Johnny mutters glancing back at the doors to the elevators.

He really does need to head back down. There’s too much going on for him to disappear forever.

“Message me when you’re on your way, okay? Be safe, be suave, be sexy!” Ten chirps and hangs up before Johnny can get a word in. It works, it cheers him up, just like it always has.

“Time to go back to work,” he mutters to himself as he presses the button for the elevator and waits, feeling lighter and better and ready.

*

 “Go time,” Jaehyun says almost an hour later, flashing Johnny a smile and he does the same, turning his attention to the familiar camera mounted in front of them. It’s already recording, already live, the chat flickering faster than he can focus on as the Ennana intro starts bouncing through the speakers outside in the writers room.

Johnny fiddles with his mic and then finally pulls on his headphones for the last thirty seconds, counting down the moments until Jaehyun has to pick up his script and read out the opening ment.

This is probably the most nervous he’s been at Ennana in a while.

“NCT-eh, Night Night,” Johnny says at his prompt, smiling around the words as he leans into the mic. Even though he’s done this twice already tonight, doing it live always gives him a thrill that pre-recording simply _can’t._

It’s the same with the stage. It doesn’t matter how many times he practices, nothing comes alive until he has an audience.

The members have teased him about it often. He doesn’t quite know where it’s come from, except born out of a little boy’s need to show off and the constant praise he always got out of it.

It’s probably a lot simpler than he tries to make it. Either way, it’s served him well enough. It always gives him that little extra adrenaline when he thinks he simply doesn’t have anything left. When the days and nights have stretched into one another and sleep has seemed like a foreign concept that only exists in the back seat of a car while they’re stuck in traffic.

Radio might lack the burn of seeing people’s reactions, but somehow seeing the impossibly fast scrolling of the chat window every time they go live has found a way to do something similar.

The little red dot on the cameras wink at him and remind him people are watching.

He just really loves an audience.

The warning sign in front of them flashes as their first song fades out and Jaehyun reaches for his mic.

“We just listened to the title track of NCT127’s Japanese Debut mini album, Chain.”

“It sounds very different on radio than it does in our practice studio,” Johnny says, relaxing into the feel of the familiar room.

“It’s a different feel,” Jaehyun says and Johnny laughs.

“Yes, yes exactly.”

“Hello, everyone. We’re NCT Jaehyun.”

“And Johnny!”

“And tonight on NCT Night Night we’re reflecting.”

“We are. We have a lot to reflect on today, don’t we, Jae-D?”

“We do. We thought it might be best to have a live radio tonight. We’ve prepared a lot to say thankyou for your support these last few days.”

“That’s right.”

“We’d like to thank everyone for tuning in tonight. Especially after we had such an eventful weekend.”

“It’s been a rough few days, hasn’t it, Jae-D? So, thank you, everyone, for your support,” Johnny says, meaning every word. “We’ve seen it. All of us. And we appreciate how much love you’ve been sending us all. It’s definitely helped.”

“It has. At the moment we’re still not sure what is going to happen, but we know we have your love and support the whole way, and that’s a big help.”

“We have a few messages here, from the members who’d like us to read them. Which I think you’ll all like. Taeyongie really wanted people to know that he’s okay, and that there’s no need to worry.”

“You saw him today, didn’t you John-D?”

“I did. I went to see him, and I got to see his dog, Ruby. We had a nice time. He’s nearly back to his old self already.”

“He said he was feeling better when we went yesterday.”

“Well he’s back home tonight, and his Eomma and Ruby are taking good care of him, so don’t worry, Cizennies. Our Tyongie is in good hands,” Johnny says, glancing at the camera and trying to keep the smile on his face.

The memory of Taeyong pouting up at him from the bed is more than enough to do it.

“He’s sent in a message for everyone we’ll read soon,” Jaehyun says, instinctively picking up the script in front of him and putting it down again like a nervous tick.

“But for now, let’s listen to the second song from our debut Japanese mini album: Dreaming,” Johnny says, leading them into the second song and pulling his headphones down with a sigh.

Jaehyun pats his thigh under the desk and Johnny throws a gentle smile his way.

“Doing okay?” he asks.

“Yeah. It’ll be good to sleep in tomorrow, though.”

“There’s still space if you want to come back with me after,” Jaehyun says, with that familiar discerning look.

Johnny smiles.

“I know. But I haven’t paid Ten any attention in like twelve hours so I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already broken into the dorm,” he chuckles glancing back at the screen and pulling his headphones back up to listen to Dreaming until it fades out into the first ad.

“You’re not getting out of this _that_ easily, Johnny,” Jaehyun smiles before waving at the camera as a distraction.

Johnny makes a face.

“Talked to Winwin lately?” he throws back and chuckles when Jaehyun kicks him firmly under the table.

“No,” he says, firmly, and Johnny tries to collect himself in time for their second window.

“That was NCT127 ‘Dreaming,’” Johnny says into the mic.

“How are you enjoying our new album, John-D?” Jaehyun asks without missing a beat.

“It’s always very exciting to record the songs and hear them as they are being created but seeing everyone else enjoying them is my favourite part. I’m very happy today.”

“We are all very proud of this album especially, as it’s our Japanese debut.”

“Yes, yes! We’ve been practicing hard for a long time, so that we can present our best. Yuta has been very excited.”

“He’s been helping us a lot.”

“A lot. A lot. Maybe too much.”

“Our teachers have thanked him a lot for our pronunciation, so _probably_ not too much,” Jaehyun snickers.

“No, of course not. What about you, Jae-D, do you have a favourite song?”

“I think my favourite is Chain.”

“Ahhh, yes. The music video came out very well.”

“Taeil-hyung is very impressive.”

“He’s worked hard.”

“He practices in the shower a lot. It has good acoustics, he says.”

“He’s not allowed to do it in the mornings anymore, Doyoung-hyung likes to sleep in.”

“It’s a very special wake up call, Taeil-hyung singing in the shower.”

“What is your favourite song, John-D?” Jaehyun asks and Johnny scrunches his face up as he contemplates.

“I really like ‘100’, Yuta’s voice comes out very well. He brings a lot of colour to the song I like a lot.”

“I hope our fans enjoy hearing Yuta-hyung sing in his own language.”

“It means a lot to him, so I appreciate that song a lot.”

“I’m looking forward to when we can sing it for our Japanese fans.”

“So am I, Jae-D. It’s unfortunate that we can’t right now.”

“Yes. We’re all sad we had to cancel our showcase. We’ve been working hard on it.”

“Hopefully it won’t be too long before we can reschedule it.”

“We’re still not sure how long it will take but we will work hard to stay healthy while Taeyong and Yuta come back.”

“No more slippery stages, we promise.”

Johnny can see the live chat going absolutely wild, and most of it seems like variants of the same message over and over again.

_Please be safe. Please don’t get hurt. NCT fighting_

“I think it’s probably time to read the message Taeyong and Yuta sent us, don’t you think, Jae-D?” Johnny prompts and Jaehyun nods.

“Yes, of course,” Jaehyun nods and picks up the script again, eyes flickering between it and the streaming camera.

Johnny instinctively looks down at the script and trails his eyes over it as Jaehyun reads it out.

_Hello Cizennie! It’s Tyongie. I’m getting better right now, and I wont be gone too long. I’m very grateful for our Cizennie’s for their love and support. I wish I could have shown you our best, and I know me and the members will work hard to make sure our Cizennies are proud of us. Thank you for your love, it has meant a lot to me and to the members in the last few days. I miss you, and I miss our fans in Japan. I will work hard to recover well so that we can reschedule our showcase soon! – XXX TY_

It reads a little more like Taeyong than the usual pre-written scripts do, and Johnny has a moment where he’s not sure if anyone has changed anything from what Taeyong has originally written down.

It makes his heart warm at the knowledge that perhaps things are being taken in a more personal turn than is usual. That they are being allowed to deal with the fallout as themselves and not as scripted.

It’s Johnny’s turn next to read out Yuta’s letter, and then something that is _definitely_ scripted from the kids.

The writers outside the booth hand-pick a few questions from the panicked chat and filter them through one by one.

It’s mostly the same worry reworded through different languages and that makes his heart hurt.

It really would be impossible to do this job without knowing their fans actually care about them, Johnny knows. It’s moments like this, and moments on the stage, where that knowledge really sinks in the most.

They just want to make sure they’re all okay.

He can’t imagine what it must be like to only see what had happened and wait for answers. They love Taeyong too, he remembers as he reads out another well wish for the boy at home.

They might not know him like Johnny does, but they love and support them all the same.

The reception to their letters and the new album all seem to go well from the charades and small pop ups coming through from the writers room. There has been a tension they’ve all been feeling prior to this last, live recording and they have all been feeling the strain.

He’s glad it’s almost over though as they start to wrap things up.

It’s been a long day, a long night and he’s genuinely exhausted.

He just wants his bed, really, and his plushies and some peace and quiet.

He casts a glance at the monitor as the last ads fade out and the beginning of his chosen song fades in and he throws the camera a smile in victory as he plays through some of his favourite aegyo, finger hearts and flower poses and peace signs before waving goodnight to the live stream. 

He picks up his phone as the door opens and taps out a quick message, already anticipating the reply.

 

> **TYONGIE**  
>  _Sent: 11:58_  
>  Do you like your  
>  song?

 

He’s not sure what exactly Taeyong was hoping for out of his song. And while the ones he slipped into the prerecordings are a little tamer, there are still messages for Taeyong if he looks for them.

Johnny just hopes he understands what he’s trying to say.

He feels the phone buzz as he bows his thanks to the production team like always and follows Jaehyun back towards the staff area where they left their bags.

 “Someone’s feeling braver,” Jaehyun murmurs as they’re walking along.

“I don’t know what you mean,” he replies, making a point of not looking at Jaehyun as he says it.

Jaehyun snorts.

There are a handful of messages waiting for him when he slumps down onto the couch and starts filtering through them, mostly in an attempt to ignore Jaehyun while he clearly wants to keep poking fun at Johnny playing _My Page_ at the end of the show.

Yuta seems to have been listening live, which is rare but given the situation he doesn’t question it.

 

> **YUSUCKAAA**  
>  __Received 11:27  
>  you’re right I do  
>  sound amazing  
> 
> 
> **YUSUCKAAA**  
>  _Received 11: 40_  
>  btw your pronunciation  
>  sucks
> 
>  
> 
> **YUSUCKAAA**  
>  _Received_ : 11:41  
>  But not more than  
>  Jaehyun’s. Jae  
>  suuuucks
> 
> ****  
> JYANI  
>  _Sent: 12:09  
>  _ Who doesn’t suck  
>  then?

 

> **YUSUCKAAA**  
>  _Received: 11:42  
>  _ TYYYYYY
> 
>  

“Yuta says your pronunciation makes his ears bleed,” Johnny says, poking Jaehyun in the leg to get his attention.

“He told me himself,” Jaehyun snorts, which makes Johnny smile.

“So are we not gonna talk abo –“

“Nope.”

“Not even a little – “

“Nooooope.”              

“There you are,” Hyunjoon-hyung says approaching the two of them and saving Johnny’s ass yet again. This time he flashes their manager a smile and pokes Jaehyun a little harder just because.

“Ready to head back?”

“Actually, hyung, I was thinking of heading over to the Dream dorm. Ten’s been nagging me all day,” Johnny says and pointedly ignores Jaehyun’s sniggering.

Hyunjoon looks at him wryly but doesn’t stop it.

“I’ll let the driver know,” he says and glances over at Jaehyun.

“Heading home, sprout?”

“Yeah. Eomma’s waiting up for me.”

“I’ll have another car here soon, Johnny. I think it’s best not to keep Mrs Jung waiting.”

Johnny definitely agrees. There aren’t a lot of people outside their sphere who have any idea how late their nights get. Some work days never end, and it’s unfair to expect others to deal with that.

His phone is buzzing anyway, and he’s itching to see Taeyong’s reply and so offers their Manager a smile and waves very pointedly at Jaehyun as he wanders backwards giving Johnny the stink eye.

“Bye Jae!” he crows and is already feeling better than he had been during the live.

He’s still tired, though a little giddy when he sees Taeyong’s avatar in his preview window.

> **YONGIE**  
>  _Received: 12:03_  
>  I did. Very much.
> 
> **YONGIE** __  
> Received: 12:04  
>  You sounded  
>  tired. Im sorry you  
>  had to record so much
> 
> **YONGIE** __  
> Received: 12:06  
>  Can I still see you  
>  tomorrow?

Scrunching his face up, Johnny can’t help but feel a little disappointed that there isn’t more to Taeyong’s reply about the song, but there is a certain distance in the messages that Johnny is familiar with. A hesitancy that he has seen in Taeyong before.

 _Maybe_ Jaehyun was right. Maybe _My Page_ was too brave a choice.

Still, he’s not sure he regrets it.

> **JYANI**  
>  __Sent: 12:06  
>  I’ll bring lunch.  
>  Sleep well, Yongie xxx
> 
> **YONGIE**  
>  Received: 12:06  
>  night night  
>  (^ｰ^)

That’s a little better, Johnny thinks, smiling fondly at the reply and shuts his phone off in favour of shouldering his bag and wandering down to the lobby to wait.

The air is brisk coming in through the enormous revolving doors and it helps Johnny feel a lot more at ease as he settles down to wait.

It doesn’t take long and he’s barely opened his phone back up before it buzzes with an alert from his driver.

Slumping back into the seat he opens his phone again and backs out of his chat  with Taeyong, and starts filtering through the other new messages.  


> **Sensitive Bunny**  
>  _Received 12:02_  
>  Ennana was good.  
>  Thanks for talking  
>  about the concert.  
>  I don’t think  
>  anyone could have  
>  explained all this  
>  better than you.
> 
>  
> 
> **Little Moon**  
>  __Received 11:34  
>  I have been banned  
>  from singing in the  
>  shower for my entire  
>  duration at home.  
>  There will be retribution
> 
> **YUSUCKAAA**  
>  __Received 12:11  
>  Twitters going mad  
>  btw. You have like all of  
>  them wrapped  
>  around your finger.  
> 
> 
> **YUSUCKAAA**  
>  _Received: 12:14_  
>  I was thinking we murder  
>  Doyoung and then  
>  if you apologise on  
>  Ennana we could  
>  actually get away with  
>  it.  
> 
> 
> **JYANI**  
>  __Sent: 12:16  
>  What’s he done now? __  
>   
> 
> 
> **YUSUCKAAA**  
>  _Received: 12:18_  
>  Oh so now there has  
>  to be a REASON?
> 
> So much for the 95  
>  loyalty, Seo.  
>  there shouldn’t  
>  have to be a reason
> 
>   
>  **JYANI**  
>  __Sent: 12:20  
>  you were meddling  
>  weren’t you
> 
>  
> 
> **YUSUCKAAA**  
>  __Received: 12:20  
>  betrayal  
>  =_=  
>   

Johnny snorts at Yuta’s reply and slumps against the window to watch the car pull up out the front of the apartment complex.

Whatever Yuta has been doing will come out in the group chat over the next few days if Yuta doesn’t spoil it on his own by being too impatient. Either way, it’s good seeing him so happy being at home.

Johnny just wishes he had a little of that tension for himself right now. Recording three hours worth of radio wasn’t the best idea on the best of days. His throat aches, and he’s _tired_ , more so than he’s been in a while, but there is still a little pep to his step as he thanks the driver and lets himself into the apartment building. All he wants to do is sleep, but knowing he’s only a few minutes away from seeing Ten makes all the difference.

The Dream Dorms are much closer to the SM building than their own, and they’re situated halfway up an apartment complex for the privacy that Johnny sometimes envies.

The Vision boys are on another floor too, but he can’t remember which. Ten will be able to tell him, given that there’s talks of moving him up there already to help push his Mandarin to the next level before things get dicey with their debut in the second half of the year.

He messages Ten while he’s waiting for the elevator and gets a keysmash of emojis in response he doesn’t even bother looking at properly.

By the time he’s reached their floor Ten is waiting with the door open.

“Hey,” Johnny smiles

This is a bad idea, he thinks almost as a panic response, as his brain takes a moment to stare at how soft and small Ten looks in his pyjamas that are at least two sizes too big. It has _always_ been a bad idea going to Ten’s, both when they were together and most especially after.

Ten has always been a singular weakness that Johnny’s heart still hasn’t shaken and he doesn’t know if it ever will.

The moment the distance between them disappears, whether literal or figurative, Johnny is nothing but a moth to a flame.

Tennie is magnetic and beautiful and it still surprises him that the world allowed him to be with him, even if it was only just a little while.

“Come on, Johnny,” Ten says, taking him by the hand and pulling him into the apartment.

It’s deathly quiet and the only sound is the quiet slap of their feet on the floorboards as Ten leads him towards the only illuminated room down the hall.

It seems like even Manager Ari isn’t staying in the dorms tonight, and Johnny feels a pang, knowing that Tennie has been here completely by himself.

At the very least Johnny has Hyunjoon-hyung, who always stays in the dorm if even one of his charges do. The first time Johnny went to stay with Doyoung was purely so that their poor manager could go and visit his family because he’d overheard him making excuses.

Ten’s room isn’t large, but he has however had the luck of being the only one in the entire group besides the mangers to have his own room

It might not be big, but it’s just as achingly familiar as he remembers it when Ten pulls him over towards the bed and only lets go of Johnny’s hand to thump down in the middle of his mattress and fold his legs underneath himself.

Johnny feels a little exposed under Ten’s dark gaze and he fumbles as he pulls his bag off and sets it down.

“Come here, you lummox,” Tennie smiles and pulls him down before he can balance, so that he’s mostly lying down. It seems to please Ten more, because he immediately stretches out and rolls over to face him, head cocked to the side so he can still press most of his face into the sheets.

It’s painstakingly cute.

Johnny closes his eyes and tries to relax, tries to let his limbs loosen and the stress he’s held between his shoulder blades disappear.

The room smells entirely like Ten, which definitely helps, and Ten shuffles closer, letting him have his moment without argument.

When Johnny finally opens his eyes Ten is curled up as close as he can get without actually touching and Johnny’s heart thumps sadly at being without it.

“Are you feeling any better?” Ten asks after a long stretch of silence between them and Johnny sighs and shuffles himself forward a little more so that they're pressed close. 

Ten’s breath hitches and Johnny pretends he didn’t see it.

“Yeah. Thank you. For listening.”

“I can do that sometimes.”

“Just not extended periods of time, right?” he jokes and Ten grins, his eyes crinkling and Johnny’s stomach flutters.

This is perhaps the worst part, he thinks, trying not to count Ten’s eyelashes, being alone with him, here, where Ten is in all his glory with all the temptation in the world and only half the risk.

Johnny’s only saviour has been the kids, living just down the hall. Except tonight they’re at home, scattered across Asia, safe and sound.

And Johnny is here, with Ten, and the knot of emotions in his chest that he has been slowly, slowly untying for days, and weeks and months.

An unraveling rope he could very easily hang himself with.

He’s terrified out of his mind, except for moments like now, like this, where it is just him and ten. Or him and Taeyong, just them and the world simply does not exist.

It is this that he’s fighting for. This that he is unraveling.

“You’re thinking awful hard there,” Ten whispers and Johnny laughs, unintentionally and far louder than is warranted.

Tennie just grins.

“You think I’m being stupid, don’t you?” he asks without meaning.

“Of course. Your head is way too far away from the rest of  you, it doesn’t get enough oxygen.”

Johnny closes his eyes again, and leans in when Ten’s gentle fingers climb up to play with the long strands of his hair hanging over his forehead.

“I think you’re guarding something precious.”

“Can I ask?” he whispers, opening his eyes again, blinking blearily as he takes a moment for Ten’s face to come back into focus.

“Mmmm?” Ten asks, leaning his head back to peer up at Johnny through his lashes.

“What are we doing?”

“That’s a big question.”

“I know. It just seems like it’s something we can’t ignore for much longer. And I just need to know. Before anything…. anything happens.”

Ten’s expression is soft and open and oh, Johnny loves him.

“It’s always been pretty simple, Johnny. Things got hard last year because we never got to see each other, but I’ve always loved you. I’m not sure you’re someone I could ever let go of properly.”

“And Taeyong?”

“I love him too.”

“So do I,” Johnny murmurs, almost like a secret.

It isn’t much of one. Everyone knows. Everyone knows and has been waiting.

But that hasn’t made it easier, only harder.

It hasn’t made the longing he has had for Ten any easier either, the memory of his first boyfriend and the joy Ten could give him by just flashing him a smile.

There had just been _so much_.

So much weighing them down, holding them back. So much at stake.

Ten had been meant to debut in 127, not Johnny. That had been the plan. No one ever talked about it, but that is just the way it was. Johnny had been meant to debut with Hansol, in the Chinese unit that died before it was even finished being born.

And when the unit had died and there had been no where for them to go, they were Rookies without a home.

Hansol left, and Johnny stayed.

Saved by Ten’s enthusiasm and Taeyong’s belief in him and a thousand tiny promises that it would be worth it.

_Things would be okay._

But it had been hard. _So_ hard.

Taeyong had debuted. So had Ten. And Jaehyun. Doyoung. Taeil. Mark _._

Then Yuta and Donghyuck and Sicheng.

And there was still no place for Johnny.

Until Ten fell in practice and suddenly an old injury was awake again.

And it got worse and worse until it was obvious that there was no way he could handle the strain of their future 127 promotions.

And so, Ten stepped down and the spot was Johnny’s.

It hadn’t broken them.

They had been through too much together already for that. They had loved each other too much, as boys growing up alone in a foreign country. As brothers in arms, fighting for the chance to succeed. As first loves, in all its glory.

They hadn’t broken apart, they just… drifted. Pulled in two different directions. Ten with his injury, with his looming military service, and Johnny in 127.

In the spot that wasn’t entirely meant for him.

It had been the right thing, putting an end to it.

Their relationship had stretched too thin.

It had hurt them less, letting go, and they have come a long way in a year and a half.

Ten has two solo Stations under his belt and still shines in the spotlight, standing on stage with Taeyong in one of NCT’s best songs.

The way he has always meant to, demanding that everyone see him for all that he is. Preparing for a future in a permanent unit he can call his own. He can _make_ his own.

And Johnny? He no longer feels like he is standing in Ten’s empty space.

He _belongs_ in 127. He’s important, not only to his members but the fans who have supported him without even knowing that he wasn’t always meant to be there.

He has found his place, and his confidence and the years he has worked have all suddenly been worth it. Everything has come full circle and it is amazing.

It is _amazing_.

And Taeyong had been important in every one of those realisations, had been there every step of the way and Johnny mourns the fact it had taken him so long to see him standing there, at Johnny’s side where he’s always belonged.  

And now here they all are.

Ten and Taeyong and Johnny, the three of them yearning after each other, linked and unlinked and linked again.

God, they’re a mess.

“What would you say if I kissed you?” he asks Ten quietly.

Ten smiles.

“I’d say it’s about time.”

“And if I kissed Taeyong when I see him later?”

“Then I’d ask for a kiss then too.”

“From me?”

“From both of you.”

“And it would be okay?”

Ten scrunches his face up in consternation, but he’s still smiling.

“Johnny this is dumb, I’d kiss the hell out of you _and_ Taeyong and I really want to get off watching you two kiss each other.”

He can’t help but giggle at that, and he feels a little embarrassed for being so cautious.

But he just wants this _so much._

He runs his fingers down from Ten’s hair and trails them butterfly soft down over his nose. Ten shivers and scrunches his face up again.

“I just want to be sure. This is more than just screwing around, Tennie. I don’t want to mess it up before anything even starts.”

Ten’s expression turns serious and soft then.

“I know. I want you, Johnny. And I want Taeyong. And I want all three of us together.”

“Okay. Okay good.”

“I really hate waiting, Johnny. So please hurry up. I want you. A lot. All the time. It’s killing me.”

Johnny snorts and runs his thumb slowly across Ten’s bottom lip.

“I’ll try,” he says, and his heart skips a beat when Ten grins and he leans in and kisses the smile into something bigger and brighter and all the more beautiful.

Somewhere there are birds singing and fairies getting their wings and babies learning to walk.

Johnny has the most beautiful boy in his arms, and somewhere across Seoul.

He has another one, waiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please come hang out with me on twitter I would love more friends 
> 
> @CaptainJacq
> 
> Thankyou for reading 
> 
> MWAH XXX


End file.
